Redemption
by artemiskitty
Summary: Alex and Olivia have almost given up hope on having the family they wanted, until a health crisis and a chance meeting change everything. Follows canon through season 9-ish. Set in early 2011, 3 years after the end of Mistakes. Some story lines are better explained if you've read my first story.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey! This is a teaser chapter for the sequel to my story ****_Mistakes_**** that begins 3 years later. I'm still working on it, and I'm definitely finishing it, but I wanted to give you a taste of what's coming up next.**

**Special thanks to Ravens Trinity who helped me hash out the story line a bit.**

**As always, I own nothing, and please review so I know what you think!**

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Alex yawned as she reached over to turn off the alarm clock, groaning when she had to shift slightly out from under Olivia's body to get the snooze button.

"Morning, love," she said softly when Olivia opened her eyes. She turned and pressed a kiss to the sensitive part of Alex's neck as Alex brought her hands across Olivia's bare back.

"Good morning," Olivia replied, finally pushing herself off of Alex enough to kiss her on the lips. "I hope it's a good morning."

Alex smiled. "Me too. How can it not be a good morning after last night?"

"I think you're going to be the death of me, Lex," Olivia said, smiling. "I'm getting too old for this."

"Yeah, but what a way to go," Alex retorted, stroking Olivia's breast. "But Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"Let's not get our hopes up just yet. I want to be optimistic, but…"

"I'm trying not to," Olivia said. "I think we need to be prepared if this doesn't work out the way we want it to."

Alex nodded. "No matter what happens in there today, I love you."

"I love you, too. I know I have everything I need right here. I just…"

Alex put a finger on her lips. "Me too, Liv. Me too."

They clung to each other as they kissed, and Olivia pulled away first. "I don't think I can do this again if it doesn't work out."

"Then we won't," Alex said simply, threading her fingers in Olivia's hair and pulling their foreheads together. "We agreed that if it got to be too much for one of us, we'd stop."

"I feel like we're giving up," Olivia whispered, choking back a tear.

"Hey," Alex kissed her, wiping her cheek. "We're not giving up yet. Let's just see what happens today, okay?" Olivia nodded.

A thump against the bedroom door and a loud 'meow!' made both of them laugh.

"I guess we better go feed the _petite bête_," Alex said, pulling off the sheet and out from underneath Olivia. "He's mad he didn't get to cuddle last night."

"Well, if he hadn't come in and started biting me right when I was in the middle of something, he wouldn't have gotten kicked out. I wasn't about to let him back in after that."

"He just doesn't like it when we _cuddle_ without him." Alex explained.

"I like it better when we cuddle without him."

"Don't let him hear you say that, or he'll never leave us alone."

"He's a cat, Lex. He can deal with the door being closed once in a while."

Alex slipped into her robe and handed Olivia hers before opening the door.

"I'll put on the coffee and then I'll join you?" Olivia asked.

"Sure," Alex said, smiling over her shoulder. "And then we'll go see about our baby."

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**Please take a few seconds to tell me what you think of this very short first chapter. I will hopefully begin writing this at the same time as I'm wrapping up Mistakes. If you haven't read that one yet, I encourage you to!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimers: I own nothing.**

**This is the sequel to ****_Mistakes_****, which I will definitely be finishing, and I'll work more on that one before I come back to this one.**

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Olivia gripped Alex's hand as they walked home under the grey spring drizzle from the adoption agency on West 86th street later that morning.

"I should call Elliot to let him know I'm not coming in." Olivia said, pulling her phone out of her pocket.

"I already told them I might be 'working from home' today. I'll email once we get back." Alex replied. "Send him a text. He knows what we were doing today; he'll understand."

Olivia nodded and stopped walking so she could write the message.

"Hey," Alex said as they approached a park entrance. "How about we take a walk through the park, head down to Zabar's for lunch, and then walk back up?"

"Yeah, that sounds good," Olivia agreed. She slipped her phone back into her pocket, ignoring the buzzing from Elliot's reply, and took Alex's hand again.

They had barely walked a hundred yards through the park entrance when Olivia stopped and stared. A dozen toddlers, all wearing bright neon safety vests, were each holding on to a handle attached to a rope, held at each end by a teacher. The walking schoolbus turned in front of them, heading into the playground, and as soon as the gate was closed, the children ran to the slides, laughing and yelling.

"On second thought, maybe we should just go home," Olivia said quietly.

Alex put her hand on Olivia's back and turned her around towards the street. "If that's what you want, Liv," she agreed.

Once they got back inside the apartment, Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia without saying a word. When she felt Olivia relax a little, she hung up their coats and put her purse and her keys on the table by the door.

"Go sit down, Liv," she said, kissing Olivia gently on the cheek. "I'll make us some tea."

When she returned, she didn't find Olivia sitting on the couch in the living room as she expected, so she headed down the hall into the spare bedroom and found the door ajar. Alex put the tray with the teacups on the side table and slid into the recliner next to Olivia, who held a teddy bear on her lap. She slipped her arm behind Olivia's shoulders and pulled her in close, and took Olivia's hand and the arm of the teddy bear with her other hand.

"Liv," she whispered, leaning her head on Olivia's shoulder. "Talk to me? Please?"

Olivia's eyes filled up with tears as she looked around the room at the cherry crib and changing table and the Winnie-the-Pooh decorations on light turquoise walls.

"We'd make good parents, Lex," she choked out. "I don't know why we're not good enough."

"Me neither, Liv," Alex agreed, rubbing her thumb over bear fuzz and Olivia's fingers.

"It's not fair. All the abused and neglected kids we see every day, and somehow we're…"

"It's _not_ fair."

"Did they even say why? I wasn't really paying attention."

Alex shook her head. "Does it matter? I wasn't really paying attention either, to be honest. Someone was cutting off the circulation in my hand."

"Sorry," Olivia said sheepishly. She picked up the two cups of tea and handed one to Alex, taking a sip of her own.

"I'm sorry too," Alex whispered. "I'm sorry I can't give you what you want."

"Hey, don't talk like that," Olivia soothed. "You've already given me so much more than I ever wanted or thought I'd get. To be honest, I'd already given up on having kids before we got together. I'll get used to the idea again."

They sat in silence for a while. The cat pushed open the door and stretched theatrically, before he jumped onto Olivia's lap and curled up with the teddy bear, purring. Olivia scratched behind his ears and he burrowed his head into her leg.

"I guess he's forgiven you for last night," Alex said, petting his back. "Or he knows that kitty cuddles make everything better."

Olivia smiled through her tears. "Artemis kitty cuddles and Alex cuddles. I've got everything I need right here." She pressed a kiss to Alex's forehead. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too," Alex replied. She opened her arms and held Olivia for a while as she cried, going over the interview in her mind. She had screwed it up. She was sure of it.

When Olivia's breathing slowed, Alex took both empty teacups and placed them back on the table, and ran her fingers through Olivia's hair and down her back. "Liv?" she murmured. "What do you say about going up to the Vineyard for the weekend? Neither of us is on call, and if we leave soon, we'll be up there in time for dinner, and we can take a walk on the beach, curl up in front of the fire… I think it would be good for us to have some time away to decompress and… grieve."

Olivia nodded. "I think that's a good idea."

Alex got up and leaned over to kiss Olivia. "You can stay here a bit longer. I'll pack some things for you and call Sarah to take care of the cat while we're gone."

After a few more minutes, Olivia pushed the cat off her lap and got up, replacing the teddy bear in a corner of the crib and turning off the light as she took one last look around before closing the door.

She went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on her face, and then went to the kitchen, pausing at the bedroom door when she heard Alex on the phone.

"I screwed up, Liz. They were asking us about the dangers of Olivia's job and I pointed out that Olivia had never been shot but that I had. It was a stupid thing to say. They probably thought we're in too much mortal danger to adopt." Alex let out a heavy breath.

Olivia crept into the bedroom and put her arms around Alex from the back, then kissed her neck from behind. "It's not your fault, Lex." She waited for Alex to say goodbye to Liz, her chin resting on Alex's shoulder. "It's nobody's fault."

Alex tossed her phone on the bed and turned around in Olivia's arms. "I don't know what we're going to do, Liv."

"Get another cat?" Olivia joked, but it fell flat. "I guess we're just… not going to have kids."

"Maybe I could try one more time," Alex suggested.

Olivia shook her head vigorously. "No, sweetie. Remember how awful it was the last time? And the doctor said it was 'highly unlikely' that you'd ever be able to carry a pregnancy to term. I don't want to put you through that again for those odds. I need you, Lex."

"My eggs are fine," Alex pointed out. "It's just my uterus that's… defective."

"You're not defective, sweetie." Olivia kissed the top of Alex's head. "Do you have everything we need?"

"I do. We can stop along the way to get some groceries before we get on the ferry, and Sarah will be here any minute to get the key—" The buzzer rang, and Olivia went to the intercom to buzz her up. "— And I just need to grab my book and my briefcase on the way out. That way we have my laptop with Netflix, and case files in case we're dying to do work."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Okay, I'm just going to stick a book in here, and maybe my sketchbook, too." She pulled a few items from the book shelf and stuck them in the duffle bag Alex had prepared.

"Hi sweetheart," Alex said as she opened the front door. "Come in and make yourself at home."

Sarah stepped into the apartment and gave Alex a hug. "Hi, Alex, hi Olivia," she said, putting her purse on the table.

"Good to see you again, Sarah. How's school going?" Olivia asked.

Sarah decided to ignore the fact that both women had puffy red eyes and looked like they had been crying. "It's good. I can't believe the semester's half over. I only have six weeks of classes left before exams."

"The DA's office is meeting to do the final round of hiring for summer interns next week," Alex said, grabbing a couple bottles of water from the fridge. "So you should hear something soon."

"Good to know. I'm keeping my fingers crossed," Sarah said.

"Anyway, thanks for doing this on such short notice. We decided we needed to get out of the city for a few days."

Sarah nodded. "Of course. It's not a problem at all."

Alex handed her a key ring with their spare key. "You're welcome to stay here overnight if you want. There's some leftover takeout in the fridge that won't be good when we get back, so help yourself if you want some. As usual, no booze, no wild parties… Do you want me to put some sheets on the couch for you? Or will you be okay in the spare bedroom if you stay?"

"The spare bedroom is fine, Alex. I might take you up on that. I think my roommate's boyfriend is coming this afternoon, so they might want some, uh, privacy."

"Okay. You know where the cat food is, where the takeout menus and the remotes for the TV and DVD player are, and you have both of our phone numbers in case you need anything. Do you need anything else?"

Sarah shook her head. "I'll be fine, Alex. Go have a good weekend. You both look like you could use it."

Alex smiled. "Thanks, Sarah. If you're around this summer, we'll bring you up with us some weekend if you want."

"And if you do decide to go back to campus and it's dark, or you're up there and you want to come back here, take a cab and we'll give you the money for it. Don't be taking the subway by yourself at night. Stay safe," Olivia added, hugging her.

"Yes, Mom," Sarah joked. She sobered quickly when she noticed the hurt look on Olivia's face and the tears that started building up in her eyes again.

"C'mon, Liv, let's get going so we can get on the 5:30 ferry," Alex said softly, taking Olivia's hand. "Have a good weekend, Sarah."

They grabbed the overnight bag and Alex's briefcase and headed downstairs.

"You okay, Liv?" Alex asked softly once they were in the elevator.

"Yeah. She didn't know," Olivia replied, wiping away a tear again.

"No, she didn't." Alex agreed. "She wasn't being malicious."

"I'm overreacting."

"You're allowed to hurt, Liv," Alex reassured her, placing a soft kiss on her cheek. "Let's grab some coffees and get going. I want to curl up next to you in front of the fire and smell the ocean."

"Me too." Olivia agreed, and went to get the coffees while Alex got the car from the parking garage.

A few hours later, they were standing on the balcony of the ferry to Oak Hills, and Olivia had just come back from the bar with two glasses of red wine. She took Alex's free hand again and sipped her drink, looking out onto the ocean.

They sat in silence, neither really sure what to say, until their wine was almost gone. "Lex?" she said softly, looking over to see how beautiful Alex looked with her hair whipping in the breeze.

"Yeah, Liv?"

"What if I tried it? I know we agreed it wasn't a great idea, but…"

"You're high risk. And you have a dangerous, physically taxing job."

"So delivery would be high risk, but 'advanced maternal age' has to do more with egg quality than delivery. Like you said, your eggs are fine. Kathy had Eli at 42 and they were both perfectly fine, car accident and premature delivery notwithstanding."

"My eggs, your uterus? Whose sperm? Elliot's?"

Olivia grimaced. "Eww, gross. Don't even say that. We'd get a donor, again. Maybe even one of the ones we tried before." She looked into Alex's eyes. "Look, before your second miscarriage, before Noah, before—" she waved her hand in the air "all of this, IVF for me wasn't a great option. But it's the only option we have left, if this is what we want."

"It _is_ what I want, Liv, but it's still not a great option."

"Well, short of some rogue judge granting us guardianship of a random unclaimed child who shows up at SVU some day, I'm not sure what other options we have. I'm healthy and in good shape, and I've still got a few years before menopause. It's not _that_ outside the realm of possibility, is it? Why don't I get a checkup, and we can ask the doctor about the risks based on my health? And if she says it's too risky, then we'll be no worse off than we are right now."

"I just thought you didn't want to try anymore. And I'm not sure how much more disappointment we can take."

"I don't want to get rejected by any more adoption agencies or have another baby taken back from us. And I certainly don't want you to risk your health again. But if we don't at least look into this option, don't you think we'll always regret it? At least if we try, even just once, we'll know."

"I suppose. Just one doctor's appointment, and then we'll discuss it. Let's not agree to anything more than that before we know what the risks will be."

"Deal." Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex, kissing her deeply. "You know, gay marriage is legal here," she whispered in Alex's ear.

"I'm from Massachusetts; I'm aware. But I'd rather wait until it's legal in New York," Alex whispered back. "Besides, nobody's asked me yet."

"Hm, that's too bad. You seem like you'd be quite the catch." She pressed a kiss below Alex's ear.

"Liv, couch, fireplace… Not here with an audience."

Olivia nodded and gave her a peck on the cheek. "I'm going to take these glasses back. Meet you down at the car? Looks like we'll be there in a few minutes."

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**Please review! **

**It might be a bit before I get the next chapter up, as I am not abandoning ****_Mistakes _****and I want to get at least one more chapter of that story up before I work on this one again. But fear not, I have a plan!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own 'em.**

**_Mistakes_**** will be updated next. Meanwhile, enjoy some romance :-) And by romance, I mean smut.**

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Olivia carried the groceries into the house forty-five minutes later, and started putting things away in the fridge.

"Lex? Do you want me to try not to burn spaghetti, or do you want to go out?"

"Let's stay in tonight and just relax, okay? I can help with the spaghetti if you want. I manage to not burn things, mostly."

"I've got it, Lex. You relax. Want to open the wine, though?"

Olivia put some water on to boil as Alex poured two glasses and sat down at the bar with a crossword puzzle. "I always feel better as soon as I smell the ocean," Alex said, as she opened the sliding glass door out onto the deck. It was overcast and cool, but the breeze smelled nice and salty.

"Yeah, it's nice to come out here to get away," Olivia agreed. "There's something about the ocean… and of course, it's much nicer here than at Coney Island."

Alex snorted. "That's hardly a beach. _This_ is a beach."

She sat back down to watch Olivia heat up some frozen hamburger and pour a jar of tomato sauce into the skillet. "So far, so good," Olivia said, watching Alex watch her. "It's not burning yet."

"I'm so proud," Alex said dryly. Her phone buzzed on the counter.

"I thought you turned it off when we left," Olivia said.

"It's on Do Not Disturb mode, so only my favorite contacts can call or text. You, Bill, Liz, or Abbie." Alex explained. Olivia rolled her eyes at the fancy setting. "I told Bill we were coming and he wants to know if we want privacy or company. He says they'd love to come down to see us tomorrow or Sunday if we're up for it." Alex shrugged. "What do you think?"

"Up to you, sweetie. Might be nice to see them, but it might also be nice to curl up, just the two of us."

"I'll tell him maybe Sunday, and we'll let him know tomorrow afternoon how we're feeling. I kind of want some quiet time just with you, too. We haven't had much of that these past few weeks."

Olivia nodded and stirred the sauce once more before taking two plates from the cabinet and serving.

After a mostly silent dinner, they brought the rest of their wine into the living room, where Alex started a fire. Olivia pulled out a knit blanket from the closet, and bit her lip as a tiny blue sock fell out when she unfolded it. She sat back on the couch against the armrest, turning the sock over in her hands.

"I wonder how they're doing," Olivia said as Alex leaned back against her.

"Rosalie and Noah?" Alex asked.

Olivia nodded. "Yeah," she said, reaching over to put the sock on the coffee table and hand Alex her glass of wine. "I hope they're doing okay."

Alex took Olivia's hand and settled back into her arms. "Is it bad that sometimes I don't? There's a very small part of me that sometimes hopes that it's harder for her than she thought and that she regrets taking him back. That she feels like a bad mom. Does that make me a horrible person?"

Olivia chuckled and kissed Alex behind her ear. "If it does, I'm a horrible person right there with you," she whispered.

"I just hate how much this hurt you. Hurt us," Alex said.

"It was her right to take him back," Olivia said. "Even after 57 days. We knew it could happen."

"Yeah, but it still sucks. We didn't expect her to change her mind after that long."

"No, we didn't." Olivia pulled Alex in closer and held her tight. "I thought…" she began, then shook her head.

"What, Liv?"

"I thought the worst feeling in the world was when we lost our babies, and the second time when I almost lost you, too." Olivia wiped a tear from her eye and kissed Alex's cheek. "But when she took him back… I finally had the family I'd always wanted, and then… I just feel like my guts were ripped out, you know? And they got ripped out again today."

Alex sniffled and squeezed Olivia's hand. "Yeah, I know."

"If I didn't have you, I'm not sure I would feel anything right now."

Alex shifted in Olivia's lap and put her arms around her neck. "I can make you feel things," she whispered in Olivia's ear, running a finger down her arm.

Olivia smiled weakly and kissed Alex on the cheek, holding her close. "You make me feel so many things," she said softly. "But right now, all I need to feel is this." She brought her hand up to Alex's chest and held it over hear heart. "I'm not really in the mood for anything else right now. Is that okay?"

"Of course," she said, bringing her own hand to Olivia's heart.

They laid there for a while, watching the flames and holding each other close until the wine was gone and it was time to go to bed.

"Liv?" Alex said as they undressed and crawled under the covers.

"Mmm?"

"I've been… talking about it in therapy. The adoption process and the miscarriages. But will you come with me before we go to the doctor so we can talk about it together? I want to make sure we're going to be okay if it doesn't… if we never… you know."

Olivia nodded and snuggled in closer. "Hey, we haven't broken yet, have we?" she asked, running her fingers through Alex's hair. "Of course I'll go with you if you want me to. But I promise that no matter what happens, I'm not going anywhere."

—

Olivia woke up early on Saturday morning to go for a run on the beach, and came back to find Alex still asleep in bed. After taking a shower and putting on her robe, she started the coffee, and went back into the bedroom to press kisses to Alex's lips until she woke up.

"Good afternoon, beautiful," she grinned, propping herself on her elbows above Alex when she finally opened her eyes.

Alex looked panicked until she turned to see the time on the clock radio. "It's only 10:30," she groaned. "Meanie."

"Is it? I've been up for hours." She kissed Alex again. "And I wouldn't have woken you up if I hadn't brought you a chocolate chip muffin from Nona's. It's still warm."

Alex sat up in bed and Olivia handed her her robe. "I suppose you're forgiven, then."

They ate breakfast on the porch swing, looking out at the ocean, and spent the day walking around town, browsing the bookstore and the art galleries, and having an ice cream on the beach, in spite of the cool weather. Since summer was still a while away, the streets were uncrowded and shops closed early, and before long, they were back on the porch swing, watching the sun set over the water.

Olivia wrapped her sweatshirt around Alex when she shivered, and pulled a small bag out of the pocket.

"I got you something this morning," she said, pulling out a small black box. "This last year has been really hard on us, and especially on you. I know the inseminations were uncomfortable, and you were so sick, and then the miscarriages… I know that you were doing all of that for me, for us, and I love you for it, and I don't ever want you to forget how much."

Alex pulled the cover off the box to reveal a white gold necklace with a heart-shaped pendant inscribed with their names.

Olivia kissed her on the cheek and pulled Alex's hair to the side so she could clasp it around her neck. "This isn't an anniversary present, because that's in a few weeks. This is just an 'I love you' present."

"I love you too, Liv," Alex whispered as she leaned into Olivia's arms and kissed her. "Thank you."

"I made a reservation at that seafood place you like for 7," Olivia said. "But I can cancel if you'd rather have my leftover spaghetti."

Alex chuckled. "Seafood sounds good."

"I thought so." Olivia agreed. "Is Bill coming tomorrow with the kids? What time did you tell him?"

"I said not before 11 in case we want to sleep in," Alex said. "Since someone woke me up early this morning."

"Early? 10:30 is early?" Olivia teased.

Alex smiled. "It is if you got to sleep really late." She winked, and Olivia felt her stomach drop.

"Well, the sooner we go to dinner, the sooner we'll be home," Olivia whispered in Alex's ear. She stood up and held out her hand for Alex to take.

"I just want to get changed into something nice," Alex said, taking her hand and jumping off the swing.

"You look gorgeous," Olivia said, pulling her in for a kiss. "The place we're going to isn't fancy. You can wear that."

"I know I _can_ wear this, but we never have time to go out on dates in New York. If you're taking me out, I want to get dressed up."

Olivia smiled. "Okay, then."

They went upstairs to change out of their jeans and sweaters into slacks and blouses, and held hands as they walked to the restaurant.

"Liv?" Alex said about halfway through their walk. "I want… I'd like… if it's okay… if you want… I want to try something new tonight." She let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding since she'd started thinking about it on the swing.

Olivia stopped and turned to face Alex, and took both of her hands. "Sweetie, I'm willing to try anything you want. But only if you're sure." She brushed the back of her hand against Alex's cheek.

"I'm sure," Alex said. "I've been thinking about it… I think I've been ready for a while, but I wanted to wait for a special occasion, or when we had enough time and weren't rushing…"

Olivia stepped forward and looked into her eyes. "Anything you want," she whispered. "Tell me." Alex took a step towards her, blushing, and whispered something in her ear, and Olivia smiled. "Sounds amazing, Lex. Are you sure you want dinner?" she asked with a twinkle in her eye.

Alex swatted her playfully. "I think if I'm going to put out I should get a date once in a while."

"Fair enough," Olivia said. She kissed Alex on the cheek and let go of one hand, turning to walk towards the restaurant.

They ate in comfortable silence, exchanging shy smiles and blushing.

"Liv, you've…done this before, right?" Alex asked quietly over dessert. She blushed and looked away, downing the last sip of her wine.

Olivia reached across the table and took her hand, smiling reassuringly. "I've been on the giving end quite a few times… but I've only been on the receiving end with one person."

"Oh," Alex said. She stirred her coffee and put her spoon down, looking straight into Olivia's eyes. "I want to do this together. Either we both do it, or neither of us does."

Olivia nodded. "I want that, too," she replied. "You're sure you're ready?"

Alex nodded.

"How do you imagine it going?" Alex blushed and looked around to make sure nobody was nearby. "Lex, sweetie, we need to be able to talk about it," Olivia said.

Alex swallowed. "I think… I don't want it to be in the bed. I'd rather… I'm worried about not feeling in control," she admitted.

Olivia squeezed her hand. "Hey, you don't have to remind me what he did to you," Olivia said softly. "But it's just us, okay? Just you and me. And you'll be in control the whole time. The second you say stop, we stop. You know that."

Alex nodded. "I trust you, Liv," she whispered.

"Are you ready to go?" Olivia asked after she signed the check. She held Alex's coat and kissed her cheek before they walked out of the restaurant and back towards the house, hand in hand.

When they got back to the house, Olivia poured two glasses of wine and brought Alex out on the porch swing, wrapping an arm around her. "I love how many stars we can see out here," she commented, caressing Alex's side with her thumb.

"Mhm," Alex agreed, leaning her head on Olivia's shoulder.

"You're trembling, sweetie. Are you cold, or nervous?" she asked gently.

"Yes," Alex answered.

Olivia wrapped her arms tight around Alex and rubbed her back to warm her. "Tell me what you're nervous about," she prompted.

"I haven't had a flashback in a long time, and I'm worried I'm going to have one and ruin this for us too."

"Hey, sweetie," Olivia reassured her. "We've dealt with your flashbacks before. If you have one, we'll stop, and I'll help you out of it, and we'll talk about it and go to sleep, like we always do. It won't ruin anything, it'll just mean we come back to this another night." Olivia kissed her temple. "If you're worried, we don't have to do anything tonight."

"You've been so patient with me."

"Lex, I am totally, 100% satisfied with our sex life the way it is, and I don't want you to feel pressured to do new things that you're not completely comfortable with."

"I'm just nervous, Liv, that's all."

"You want this?"

"I want this," Alex confirmed.

Olivia led her into the living room and put another log on the fire, before wrapping her arms around Alex and kissing her deeply, for a long time, until she felt some of the tension in Alex's body dissipate. She tugged at the hem of Alex's shirt and pulled it off, before unbuttoning her pants and slipping them down long legs. She let Alex undress her, and when they were both in their bras and panties, she sat down on the couch, pulling Alex down to straddle her.

"I love you," she whispered over and over, kissing along Alex's neck and jawbone until her breath was short and she was pushing herself closer to Olivia.

"Oh, Liv," Alex gasped as Olivia unclasped and removed her bra, and ran a trail of kisses across her collarbone and chest to her breasts, teasing her nipples with her tongue.

"Mmm," Olivia moaned and began caressing her side and flat stomach with her free hand.

She continued to lavish attention on Alex's body until she looked into Alex's eyes. "Liv, please. I'm ready," she whispered, pulling Olivia in for a deep kiss.

Olivia flipped them over gently and laid Alex back on the couch cushions, straddling Alex as she ran trails of gentle kisses and nips down her body, paying special attention, as always, to Alex's scars on her shoulder and the tops of her legs, and to the fresher surgical scar on her abdomen. She kissed up Alex's inner thighs, and, seeing that Alex looked ready, she hooked her fingers into the top of Alex's panties and looked up, asking for permission to remove them.

She grinned as she pulled them down to see Alex's most intimate parts in front of her. She had seen Alex before, touched her, but this… Alex had shaved for her. Olivia took Alex's hands and looked up into her eyes.

"Watch me, babe," she whispered, keeping their eyes locked as she pressed a kiss to Alex's inner thigh. "It's just you and me."

Alex gasped as she lowered her mouth and ran her tongue along her lips and lightly across her clit, flicking it gently. She let go of Alex's right hand and wrapped her arm around Alex's back, pulling her closer to the edge of the couch. She teased her opening, waiting to make sure Alex wouldn't tense in pain before pressing forward and curling the tip up, eliciting another series of soft moans.

Olivia alternated between flicking and gently sucking, letting go of Alex's hand to gently insert the tip of her index finger. When she felt no resistance, she pushed in as far as she could go, curling forward on the sensitive spongy part inside. Alex tightened her legs around Olivia's shoulders and held on to the blanket, overwhelmed by the sensation of Olivia touching her everywhere at once.

"Liv," she gasped, the muscles in her stomach tightening.

"I've got you, Lex," Olivia whispered, curling her finger forward again. "Let go for me. I've got you. I love you." She wrapped her lips around Alex's clit one final time, sucking and flicking as Alex held on and collapsed back against the cushions.

Olivia immediately wrapped her arms around Alex and laid them down on the couch, cradling and soothing her, and wiping away the tears that were falling from her eyes. "That was amazing, Lex," she whispered in Alex's ear, running her hands up and down her bare back. "You are so beautiful. I love you so much. Thank you for letting me do that for you."

"Liv, I…"

"Shh, baby. I know," Olivia soothed, kissing Alex gently as she rocked her. She reached for the blanket and pulled it on top of them.

"What about…"

"My turn can be tomorrow, sweetie," Olivia whispered. "Right now, let's just rest."

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**Please tell me what you think by leaving a short review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimers: I don't own 'em.**

**Author's Note: Just to be clear, the Noah in this story is NOT the Noah from the end of season 15 of SVU. I probably should've picked a different name, but I didn't realize until it was too late (although I did take a jab at the whole scenario). We're somewhere in 2011, so none of the Lewis stuff has happened or will happen. I wasn't really a fan of that whole storyline, and I didn't watch the S14 finale at all (the only SVU episodes I haven't seen multiple times) because I thought it would freak me out too much.**

**Enjoy, and please review!**

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"Auntie Alex! Auntie 'Livia!"

Alex groaned as she woke up to the sound of her niece calling her name and running into the room.

"Auntie Alex! Wake up! Why are you still sleeping? How come you have no clothes on?"

Alex's eyes flew open and she pushed herself slightly up off of Olivia, enough to look around and come face to face with her niece, Lexie, standing above her looking confused. She reached back and felt the blanket Olivia had thankfully draped over them before they fell asleep.

She turned bright red when she realized what was happening. "Lexie, sweetie, can you go into the other room so I can get up and go upstairs to get dressed?"

Lexie bounded off into the other room. "Daddy, Auntie Alex was sleeping and she needs to put some clothes on!"

Alex pulled the blanket up and shook Olivia. "Liv, wake up. We overslept and they're here. We need to go get dressed."

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex and leaned up for a kiss. "I don't wanna get up," she whined.

"Liv, stop. If Lexie comes back and we _still_ don't have clothes on…" she stood up, wrapping the blanket around her and picking up her discarded clothes off the floor.

"Hey! What about me?" Olivia cried, her eyes wide open.

"I guess you'll have to run upstairs really fast so nobody sees you naked," Alex smirked, darting up the stairs.

She closed the door behind her and picked up her jeans and sweater from the day before, and brought them into the bathroom so she could rinse off before getting dressed. Olivia slipped in behind her and wrapped her arms around her.

"Good morning, sweetie," Olivia said, kissing her neck.

Alex turned around in her arms and kissed her. "Good morning, Liv," she said, "We overslept. A lot."

Olivia giggled. "We did." She tucked Alex's hair behind her ear. "How are you feeling?" she whispered.

"Amazing," Alex answered, burying her face in Olivia's neck. "It was… Liv, it was incredible. I felt so… just…_ wow_."

Olivia smiled. "It was 'so just wow' for me, too, Lex," she whispered. "I love you so much."

"How come you didn't let me… I wanted us to do it together."

"I know you did, sweetheart, and I promise, I want you to. But that took a lot out of both of us, so I thought we should sleep. Tonight, though, maybe?" Olivia asked, a twinkle in her eye.

Alex smiled. "I hope so." She reached over to turn on the water. "We need to rinse off before we get dressed. We smell like sex."

"Fortunately I don't think Lexie knows what sex smells like," Olivia said drily. "Can I join you?"

"Only if you promise no funny business. She's already seen us naked. I don't want her coming up here looking for us and hearing us."

Olivia pressed her body up against Alex's and held her tight, running a finger up and down her spine. "Then maybe you'll have to be quiet," she whispered, and Alex shivered.

"Liv…"

"Shh, baby," Olivia hushed as she pressed Alex's back up against the cool tile. "Look how wet you are already." She began kissing her way down Alex's body until her hands were on her hips and her mouth was right where she wanted it. She looked up at Alex for permission, and her eyes widened, but she didn't say no.

Olivia pushed Alex's legs apart slightly and knelt between them. "Hold on tight, sweetie," she encouraged. After a few broad swipes of her tongue, she latched on, sucking and flicking as a litany of curse words alternating with some 'oh, Gods' escaped Alex's mouth. When she had drawn out Alex's orgasm as long as possible, she stood again to hold and kiss Alex until she had recovered. Then, she took a washcloth, gently rinsing their bodies and cleaning the sex off of their most intimate parts, and turned off the water, wrapping a fluffy towel around Alex and kissing her gently.

"_That_ is my new favorite thing to do," Olivia said, stepping out of the tub.

"Bill's going to know we just had sex!" Alex whispered, pulling on her panties and jeans.

"So?" Olivia asked. "He already knows Lexie found us naked on the couch, and I'm pretty sure he knows we have sex, so…"

Alex turned bright red. "Well, sure, he knows in theory, but do we really have to give him evidence?"

Olivia chuckled. "Do you want me to go down first?"

"No, I'll go down. Turn on the shower again for a few minutes so maybe he _won't _think we just showered together."

Olivia rolled her eyes and pulled her in for a kiss. "Whatever you say, sweetie. I love you."

"I love you too, Liv."

Alex walked downstairs nonchalantly to the kitchen, where Bill and Lexie were sitting at the kitchen counter eating chocolate chip muffins. She willed herself not to turn pink as she went over to the coffeemaker and poured herself a cup.

"Good morning," she said, pulling a muffin out of the bag.

"Morning, Auntie Alex," Lexie said with her mouth full.

"Manners, Lex," Bill admonished gently.

Lexie swallowed and rolled her eyes. "Good morning, Auntie Alex. How come you and Auntie 'Livia didn't have any clothes on this morning?"

"Yes, Auntie Alex, tell us. Why _didn't_ you and Auntie Olivia have clothes on this morning?" Bill teased.

Alex took a sip of her coffee. "I, uh, we made a fire last night and we got too hot. And _somebody_ wasn't supposed to come until after 11. And since it is now only 11:05, you clearly showed up at least 20 minutes early."

"I called to say we'd caught an earlier ferry, _and_ I stopped for donuts and muffins on the way. And if we had showed up on time, would you have been showered and dressed?" Bill asked, teasing. Alex didn't answer. "Yeah, I thought so."

"Where are Michelle and Andrew?" Alex asked.

"Michelle ended up having to work. The hospital has a nursing shortage, and she drew the short straw this week. And Andrew heard that some people had no clothes on, so he decided to take his off, and he's playing in the other room. He's starting to potty train and I guess two is the age when he wants to be naked all the time and he's obsessed with his penis."

"Is there an age when men _aren't _obsessed with their penises?" Olivia asked, taking the cup of coffee Alex poured for her.

Bill looked thoughtful for a moment. "Nope. I don't think there is."

Olivia chuckled and kissed Lexie on the top of her head, and went to hug Bill. "Good morning, guys. It's good to see you."

"Lexie, why don't you give Olivia your seat and go get your new glasses to show Auntie Alex?" Bill suggested, and she jumped down from the stool and ran off. "She was very upset that she had to wear glasses until we found these," he explained.

Lexie came back in wearing a pair of black rimmed glasses identical to Alex's, brushing her long blonde hair out of her face. "Look Auntie Alex! They're just like yours!"

"They _are_ just like mine," Alex said. "Where'd you get these?"

"Daddy helped me pick them out so I could look like you, 'cause you're the prettiest person I know. _Even prettier than Mommy," _she whispered.

"She's the prettiest person I know, too," Olivia said, smiling at Alex. "And you look beautiful, just like her."

Lexie put her hands on her hips and looked over her glasses at Olivia, and then to a blushing Alex. "Were you having sex?" she asked.

Alex choked on her coffee and turned pink. "Excuse me?"

"Were. You. Having. _Sex?_" Lexie asked again, emphasizing each word.

"You're 7. What do you know about sex?" Alex asked, deflecting the question. She glared at Bill, who was trying to look serious but smirking into his coffee mug.

"First of all, I'm seven _and a third_, and I know that sex is something you do without clothes on."

"Well, Miss I'm-seven-and-a-third, that's not really a question you ask people. It's not polite," Alex said. "And you saw what we were doing. We were sleeping."

Lexie rolled her eyes. "I _know_ you were sleeping. I meant _before_. You told me I could ask you anything and you would always tell me the truth." She looked at Alex pointedly, pouting slightly.

"Do you think it's the glasses?" Olivia whispered loudly to Bill. "I swear they're exactly alike. She's not going to let it go."

"You're not helping, Liv," Alex said, glaring at her.

"Auntie Alex," Lexie admonished. "It's not a hard question."

Alex groaned as she picked Lexie up and sat her on the counter in front of her. "No, but it's not one I anticipated when I made that promise." She sighed. "At least not for another six years or so."

"Always looking for a loophole," Olivia smiled.

"Yes, before we went to sleep, we had sex," Alex said, blushing again. "That's why we had no clothes on this morning."

"See? That wasn't so hard," Lexie said.

"Lexie, don't be rude," Bill said.

Just then, Andrew ran into the kitchen, completely naked, holding his penis. "Daddy, I gotta go pee," he cried, and Bill scooped him up and ran towards the bathroom.

"Boys," Lexie said, rolling her eyes.

"Lexie, sex is something private. You shouldn't go around asking people if they've had sex or who they've had sex with, okay?" Alex said.

"Okay," Lexie replied, putting her arms around Alex's neck.

"Want to go take a walk on the beach?" Alex asked. Lexie nodded. "You want to come, Liv?"

Olivia shook her head. "You two go ahead. I think you have some catching up to do with your Mini-Me."

She grabbed a book out of her bag and sat on the porch swing, watching Alex and Lexie walk towards the water, holding hands.

"Auntie Alex?" Lexie said, swinging their hands together.

"Yeah, sweetie?"

"What is sex?"

"I thought you knew all about sex," Alex said.

"I just know it's something you do without clothes. But I don't know what it actually _is_."

"Well, it's just when two grownups touch each other's private parts to make each other feel nice."

"That's it?" Lexie asked. "What's the big deal, then?"

"It's just private, that's all, because people have sex with no clothes on. And it's something that just grownups do when they're in a relationship." Alex bent down to roll up the bottoms of their pants. "You know that nobody is supposed to touch your private parts until you're a grownup and you say it's okay, right? Or unless it's a doctor and your mom or dad is there?"

Lexie nodded.

"Okay. It's my job, and Auntie Olivia's job, to put bad guys in jail if they touch little girls and hurt them, okay? So if someone touches you and tells you to keep it a secret, do you know what to do?"

"Tell you or Auntie Olivia?"

Alex nodded. "Yup. Even if it's a teacher, or another kid, or one of your relatives… no matter who it is, nobody has the right to touch your private parts. You can tell your mom, or your dad, or me, or Auntie Olivia, and we'll help you, okay? I promise you won't ever get in trouble, even if the other person says you will. It's _never_ your fault if someone touches you when you don't want them to. And you shouldn't touch anybody else's private parts unless _they_ say it's okay. Even when you're a grownup. I sent someone to jail because he touched my private parts when I told him not to."

"You did?"

Alex nodded. "It's always wrong for someone to touch you if you don't want them to, or for them to make you touch them if you don't want to. And it's _never_ your fault, even if you say no and they don't stop, or if you try to get away and you can't. _They're_ wrong, not you."

"Okay."

"Do you know the names of your private parts?"

"Mommy calls it a vajayjay," Lexie said.

Alex rolled her eyes. "I'm going to tell you the real names, okay? It's very important that you know what everything is called." Lexie nodded. "Do you know what you call the front, where your pee comes out?"

"A peepee?"

"Urethra," Alex said. "Can you say that?" Lexie repeated it. "And what about the back, where poop comes out?"

Lexie shook her head.

"Anus," Alex said, blushing again. "Just remember the planets: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, _Uranus_, Neptune, Pluto."

"Pluto's not a planet, silly!"

"Really? It was when I was a kid! Can you say that?"

"Anus," Lexie repeated, giggling. "Like Uranus."

"Good. And what about the middle?"

"That's what Mommy said a vajayjay was."

"Okay. The outside is called a _vulva_ and the inside is called a _vagina_. Can you say that?"

She repeated the words. "That's where a baby comes out, right?"

Alex nodded. "Yes, a baby grows inside the uterus in a woman's body, and comes out of her vagina."

"But how does it get in there?"

"Well, every woman has eggs inside her from the time she's born. You already have some inside you that could grow into babies some day. And when she wants to have a baby, she can have sex with a man, and his penis puts lots and lots of sperm into her vagina. They look like little tiny fishes, and they swim and try to find an egg, and if they do, it makes a baby. That's why people wait to have sex until they're grown up, so they can take care of a baby or so they know how to not have one. And because their bodies can't make babies when they're young."

"Oh." Lexie paused for a moment, looking concerned. "Is that why you have Auntie 'Livia instead of a boyfriend? Because you don't want him to make his fishes swim inside you?"

Alex burst out laughing. "Sweetie, I'm with Auntie Olivia because I love her and she loves me. And sperm are so small you can't see them. They're not actually like fishes."

"Oh," Lexie said, looking visibly relieved. "Good, 'cause that'd be gross."

"It would," Alex agreed. Not that she'd ever been partial to semen, either. She held out her hands with some flat stones she had picked up as they walked. "Do you want to try skipping rocks? Let's see who can get the most." She tossed one out in between two waves and watched it bounce across the water. "Five!" she said. "Can you beat that?"

Lexie giggled and tossed a few, getting three, then two.

"Good!" Alex said.

"Auntie Alex?" Lexie asked, skipping another rock. "Will I get in trouble if I touch my own private parts? Sometimes it feels nice when I touch my…" she thought for a second "…urethra."

"Clitoris," Alex corrected, blushing. "The part that feels nice when you touch it is your clitoris. Of course you won't get in trouble for touching your own body, as long as you do it in private - in your room, or in the bathroom - and you wash your hands afterwards. Your body belongs to _you_. And I never want you to be embarrassed or be afraid to ask me questions, about your body or about sex, okay?"

Lexie nodded. "Okay."

When the flat stones were gone, they started walking back, hand in hand, Alex pointing out pieces of colored seaglass hidden in the rocks for Lexie to collect.

"Auntie Alex?" Lexie asked, leaning her head against Alex's arm as they approached the house. "I miss baby Noah."

Alex teared up and squeezed Lexie's hand. "Me too, sweetie."

"How come he had to go away?"

Alex stopped and sat down on the sand, and Lexie crawled into her lap and put her arms around her neck. "Sometimes, when children don't have mommies or daddies, or if they have mommies and daddies who can't take care of them, other people adopt them and raise them as their own kids," Alex explained. "Before Noah was born, his mommy thought she wasn't going to be able to take care of him, so she decided to give him to us so he could be our baby."

"What happened to Noah's mommy?"

"Nothing happened to her. She was just too young to have a baby and didn't think she had enough money to take care of him. But whenever a baby is adopted, the law says that the real mommy and daddy have 90 days to change their minds, in case they make a mistake. And Noah's mommy decided that she'd made a mistake and that she wanted him to be her baby again, so she took him back to live with her."

"Oh." Lexie leaned her head against Alex's shoulder. "Do you think he's happy?"

"I hope so, babe." Alex said. "Auntie Olivia and I were very sad when he had to go away. But I hope his mommy is taking good care of him."

"Are you and Auntie 'Livia going to get another baby?" Lexie asked.

"We want to, but I don't know if we can." Alex answered. "It's not easy to adopt a baby. And so far we haven't been able to have our own baby."

"How come?"

"I don't know." Alex said. "I had a baby in my tummy, but she stopped growing. And the doctor said she didn't think I'd be able to have one."

"Are you sad?"

"That we don't know if we can have a baby? Yeah, we are. We're both very sad."

"How did you get a baby inside you since Auntie 'Livia's a girl, too? Did she have any fishes?"

"We went to the doctor, and she helped us get sperm from a man who wanted to help another couple have a baby."

"Can I come and be your baby, and leave Andrew with Mommy and Daddy?"

Alex laughed. "Don't you think your mommy and daddy will miss you if you come live with me?"

Lexie shrugged. "They can keep Andrew. And then you and Auntie 'Livia won't be lonely." She sniffled and snuggled into Alex. "I love you. I don't want you to be sad."

"Oh, sweetie," Alex soothed, rubbing her back as she started to cry. "It's okay for us to be sad sometimes. We know we won't be sad forever, even if we don't get to have a baby. Because we love each other, and we love you, and we have family and friends that we love very much. And we're very lucky to have so many people we care about."

"Can I come live with you, though?"

"How about you can come visit whenever you want?" Alex said, kissing the top of her head. "And if we do get to have a baby, you can help us take care of it?"

"Okay," she sniffled. Alex grimaced a bit as she wiped her nose on her shoulder.

"Why don't we go make some lunch, and then maybe we can take a walk in town and try to find some ice cream?" Alex asked, standing up and taking Lexie's hand.

"Yeah!" Lexie shouted. "Race you!" she cried, running towards the house.

Alex ran to catch up and got ahead of her, only to pull back and let her win at the last minute.

"I win! You lose!" she stuck out her tongue. "I'm the fastest."

Alex laughed. "Only because I'm getting too old for this," she said.

"Loves to be first, just like her auntie," Olivia commented from the porch swing where she was sitting with her sketchbook. "She is _exactly_ like you. It's actually scary."

"You know I let her win, right?" Alex said, sitting down and giving her a kiss.

"Sure you did, sweetie." Alex stuck out her tongue. "See? My point exactly."

Alex leaned her head on Olivia's shoulder and caught a glimpse of the sketch she was working on. "Can I see?" she asked, leaning over.

Olivia flipped the page and held it over, to show her one of Alex and Lexie walking along the beach skipping rocks, and another of them sitting on the sand in front of the house.

"Beautiful," she said.

"I had good subject matter," Olivia replied, brushing the hair out of Alex's face.

"I'm going to make some lunch, then I told Lexie we would take a walk to get some ice cream," Alex said, getting up from the swing.

"I'll come help you in a minute," Olivia said, closing her sketchbook.

Alex went inside and began taking the cold cuts and salad stuff out of the fridge.

"Uh, Alex?" Bill asked, carrying a dressed Andrew into the kitchen. "Why is Lexie asking me if she was made from an egg and fishes?"

"You're welcome," Alex replied. She pointed at Andrew. "They need to know the proper terms for their anatomy. Not 'weewee' and 'vajayjay.' 'Penis,' 'vagina,' 'urethra,' 'anus.' If, God forbid, anyone were to ever do anything to them, they would have to be able to say exactly who touched what how. I've had cases thrown out of court when I know the guy did it, and he knows he did it, and the defense attorney knows he did it, and he argues to a judge that the girl was coached because she didn't know the right words to describe what happened to her."

"Okay," Bill said. "So where do the fishes come in, exactly?"

"Lexie was asking me about sex, and I asked her if she knew what all her private parts were called. I told her, then she asked if babies came out of vaginas, and it sort of spiraled from there. So now she knows what sex is and where babies come from and what all of her parts are called. I may have said that sperm swam like tiny fishes to the egg, which I think freaked her out a little."

"As well it should," Olivia said. "She's probably imagining like goldfish or something."

"I said they were really tiny!" Alex protested.

"Minnows, then. Still gross."

Alex wrinkled her nose. "I'd like to see you do better when _you're_ put on the spot. I thought maybe I'd get a game or two of Pretty Pretty Princess and maybe a lecture on _Rapunzel_ or something. This was way more than I bargained for."

"Well, I'm sure Michelle will be glad to know she's off the hook," Bill said.

"Just make sure she doesn't use made-up words when she does talk about it," Alex insisted. "I told Lexie she can talk to me any time she wants and ask me any questions she wants, but she needs to be able to talk to her parents, too." Alex finished the sandwich and called Lexie in to eat.

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex from behind and kissed her neck. "You two are so adorable together," she said.

"Well, Lexie told me we could adopt her if we want," Alex said. "But I told her that her parents would miss her too much."

"That was very generous of her." Olivia laughed. "So what did she think sex was, exactly? Why did she ask you if she didn't know?"

"She just knew it was something people did without clothes. I couldn't exactly give her the explanation I got growing up, since it doesn't exactly apply to our situation, so I told her that it was when grownups touched each other's private parts, and then we got into anatomy, and then we got into the baby making aspect, and I told her that nobody should touch _her _private parts until she was older…"

"You got played."

"I what?" Alex asked.

"You got played. She wanted to know what sex was, so she accused you of having it, and then took advantage of you while you were _just a little bit embarrassed_ so she could manipulate you into telling her what she wanted to know. You got played by a 7 year old. Sorry, a 7-and-a-third-year-old." Olivia smirked at her.

Alex opened her mouth to protest, and closed it again, going over the beginning of the conversation in her head. Olivia was right.

"I hate you," she said, sticking out her tongue.

Olivia chuckled. "No you don't. You hate that you got outsmarted by a kid, just because she's cute and she knows you love her to pieces."

Alex shrugged. "Well, I didn't tell her anything she wouldn't need to know eventually anyway. It _is_ important that she knows her anatomy and what to do if someone hurts her."

Olivia nodded and leaned over to kiss Alex on the cheek. "And she'll make one hell of a lawyer someday."

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**Please review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimers: I don't own 'em.**

**Author's note: Sorry, guys.**

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After Bill and the kids had left after dinner, Olivia poured more wine and sat next to Alex on the couch. "Did you have a good weekend, sweetie?"

Alex smiled. "I did. Did you?"

Olivia nodded. "We're going to be okay," she said.

"I wasn't doubting that," Alex replied, leaning her head on Olivia's shoulder.

Olivia held Alex for a while, fidgeting with the flap on the bag she had brought up from the car. "Lex, I want to show you something," she said, pulling out her bound black book. "I can't always talk about things, but I _am_ dealing with them," she said, opening the book to a page in the middle and passing it over to Alex.

Alex breathed in sharply. "Liv…" she whispered, studying the drawing on the page. It was from a photo Elliot had taken the day they'd brought Noah home from the hospital, Alex, smiling with the baby in her arms with Olivia kissing her cheek and looking sideways at the camera. It had been one of their favorite photos, and they'd both had it on their desks until his birth mother had taken him back. Now Olivia's was at the back of a desk drawer, and Alex's was buried under a stack of case files behind her desk.

Alex flipped through the pages slowly, recognizing some of the drawings from pictures they had taken, and imagining that Olivia had drawn others from memory. The last images were of Olivia and Alex holding each other as Rosalie and the adoption agent took him away, dated October 8, and there were only a few abstract drawings between then and the drawings Olivia had done that afternoon of Lexie and Alex on the beach.

Olivia expected Alex to close the book when she reached the end, and she held out her hand to stop Alex from turning to the earlier pages.

"Please?" Alex asked gently, placing her hand on Olivia's. Olivia relented, and Alex flipped to the beginning. Olivia holding Alex's hand at the clinic before their awkward, frustrating attempts at making love in a doctor's office. Alex holding out the first positive pregnancy test, with four discarded tests showing the number of times they had tried insemination before it had worked. Alex with morning sickness. The miscarriage at 7 weeks. The second successful insemination. Alex with her growing baby bump at 15, 16, 17 weeks. Olivia's hands on her belly. Olivia finding her in the bathroom in a pool of blood. Alex looking pale in the hospital bed. Olivia lying next to her, holding her hand.

"I hate making you cry," Olivia whispered, wiping a tear off of Alex's cheek. "That's why I never showed you before."

"Liv, you're not making me cry," Alex said. She closed the book and gently placed it on the coffee table, then wrapped her arms around Olivia and buried her face in her neck. "You've never made me cry. You've been nothing short of amazing. But you don't have to be strong all the time."

Olivia held on to Alex, and when they finally finished crying, Alex lifted her head and straddled Olivia, kissing her desperately as she ran her hands up the back of her shirt. Olivia kissed back, equally hungry, pausing to let Alex take off their shirts and bras and press their chests together.

She reached for the button of Alex's jeans and pushed them down, gasping when Alex licked across one of her nipples as she pushed Olivia back down onto the couch. She quickly pulled down Olivia's yoga pants and panties and laid down between Olivia's legs, kissing and trying to touch her everywhere.

"Lex?" she whispered as Alex suddenly became less frantic, more uncertain in her touches. Alex had gained a lot of confidence in the bedroom since they had first made love, partly from experience and understanding her boundaries, and partly from her desire to please Olivia. But in spite of their progress, Olivia sensed that Alex still needed a lot of reassurance, especially when they tried something new.

Alex swallowed and leaned in to kiss Olivia slowly, first on the mouth, then the neck and down to her breasts, much more gently than before.

"Lex, if you're not ready, you don't have to do this. You don't ever have to do this," Olivia said gently, putting her hand on Alex's back.

Alex kissed her stomach, just above her navel, and looked up into her eyes. "I want to, Liv," she said, shifting down Olivia's body. "Let me do this for you."

Olivia nodded and held her breath as Alex kissed up and down her inner thighs and pressed a gentle open-mouthed kiss to her lips. She was tentative at first, exploring with her her fingers and the tip of her tongue, until Olivia gasped, 'More,' and she pressed one finger, then two, inside. She thought back to what Olivia had done that had felt so amazing, and, feeling Olivia push forward towards her mouth, she flicked her clit a few times before sucking, hard. As Olivia's cries of pleasure became increasingly desperate, she began pumping her fingers faster, curling them forward, and she held on until Olivia had stopped twitching.

She kissed her way gently up Olivia's body and rocked against her, much like the way Olivia often soothed her after sex. Alex knew that Olivia loved and trusted her, but she also knew that Olivia still found it very difficult to be physically vulnerable since she had confided in Alex that the only other person that she had trusted with such an intimate act had left abruptly and cut off all contact.

Olivia kissed her back gently and smiled. "That was amazing," she whispered against Alex's lips. "I love you."

After a few kisses, she pushed them upright and wrapped herself around Alex from behind, kissing Alex's neck as her left hand traveled up to Alex's right breast and her right hand caressed her stomach down to her knee. Alex leaned her head back into Olivia's shoulder as Olivia spread her legs and began touching her and whispering in her ear.

"How does that feel?" she asked, teasing Alex's entrance. Alex moaned with pleasure as Olivia traced shapes with her index finger. Slowly, she brought her other hand down, but met with resistance as she tried to slip a finger inside. "Not right now?" she asked, drawing her hand back to Alex's breast as Alex shook her head.

She wrapped her arms tighter around Alex and circled Alex's clit faster, until Alex brought her own hand down to stop Olivia's.

"Liv…" she sighed. "I'm not… It's not happening," she said quietly, blushing. "I'm sorry."

Olivia turned Alex around in her arms and pulled her in close, holding the back of her head into her shoulder. "What did I tell you about being sorry?" Olivia asked, running the fingers of one hand through Alex's hair and rubbing her back with the other. "Did it feel good?"

Since her attack, Alex sometimes had difficulty experiencing pleasure, and while Olivia had been patient and knew, after more than two years and lots of therapy, what was more likely to stop her from being able to orgasm, it was often Alex's own head that got in the way. She knew, for example, that the more their bodies were pressed together, the safer Alex felt, and that the hardest place for Alex to feel at ease was lying in bed, but even using one of Alex's preferred positions wasn't always a guarantee.

"It felt so good, Liv. I don't know what happened."

"Shh, baby, the important thing is that it felt good and I didn't hurt you." She held on to Alex, aware that she often felt frustrated when she couldn't finish, as if she were somehow denying Olivia the proof that she loved her. "I love you."

—

Alex held Olivia's hand as they waited in the waiting room of the doctor's office on Friday afternoon two weeks later, the earliest Olivia could get an appointment. "We're just seeing if this is even an option, right, Liv?" Alex asked as the doctor called her name.

Olivia nodded. "It might not be."

She put on the gown and sat down on the exam table, filling out a questionnaire about her health habits and her recent medical history. She was in good shape - she had to be to pass the yearly fitness test - but her diet left a lot to be desired and she hadn't had a physical in almost two years.

"What brings you here today, Detective? Just a checkup?" Dr. Logan asked, looking over Olivia's file. She knew Olivia well, as she often performed sexual assault exams on victims, and had done Alex's own exam three years earlier.

Olivia looked at Alex and back to the doctor, and swallowed. "Actually, we'd like to know if IVF is an option for me," she said. "Since Alex can't have kids, and we weren't able to adopt… we'd like to see if we could work something out between her eggs and my uterus," Olivia finished awkwardly.

Dr. Logan nodded kindly. "Alright, I'm just going to do a brief physical exam, and then as long as everything is okay, we'll discuss the risks. Can you put your legs up for me? When was your last pap smear?"

Olivia looked away. "Uh, four, maybe five years ago?"

"Liv!" Alex admonished.

"It was before Sealview," she explained, and Alex nodded.

"Okay, well we'll do one now. No use getting upset. Just make sure it's not more than two years before the next one. I see you often enough that I should be able to fit you in, even if our schedules are both busy."

Olivia nodded and put her feet up in the stirrups. The physical exam was awkward, if not actually painful, but Dr. Logan distracted her with questions about work throughout.

"Have you experienced particularly heavy bleeding at all? Periods that were heavier or longer than usual, or bleeding after sex?" she asked, withdrawing her hands.

Olivia shrugged. "No bleeding after sex, but maybe a bit heavier? I don't really know," she admitted.

"Okay. I'll be right back." Dr. Logan left, and a worried Alex went over to hold Olivia's hand again.

"Lex, it's probably nothing," Olivia reassured her, although she was uncertain why the doctor didn't seem to have finished the exam. Alex nodded, unconvinced, as Dr. Logan came back in wheeling an ultrasound machine.

"I just want to take a quick look at your uterus," Dr. Logan explained, turning on the machine and instructing Olivia to put her feet back up.

Alex squeezed Olivia's hand as she probed with the ultrasound, not saying anything. After a few minutes, she withdrew the implement and instructed Olivia to get dressed.

Dr. Logan returned again with a new folder and made some notes in Olivia's file before turning to talk to them.

"Detective, it seems that you have a few small polyps in your uterus that we should take care of. They're quite common in women in their forties, and they're usually benign, so I don't want you to worry just yet. Removing them is very minor surgery, and we'd have them tested to make sure they're not precancerous, but you wouldn't be out of commission for more than a few weeks. And even if they _are_ precancerous, there's a very good possibility that we'll have found it so early that you won't even need chemo or radiation."

"What if it's cancer?" Alex whispered, gripping Olivia's hand.

"Ms. Cabot, let's not get ahead of ourselves. The chance that it's cancer is very, very small at this point. The polyps are small, they're not abnormally shaped, and they may have been there for a long time. And Detective Benson hasn't experienced any noticeable symptoms like bleeding or pain. I won't know for sure until I test them, but I would be _very_ surprised if they weren't completely benign."

Alex let out a sigh of relief, but didn't loosen her grip on Olivia.

"What about IVF?" Olivia asked, afraid she already knew the answer.

Dr. Logan looked down at Olivia's file and rubbed her index finger on her chin. "Hormone treatments have been known to accelerate the growth of polyps," she began. "Even if there's no sign of cancer at all, there's a very good chance that the treatments associated with IVF would cause more polyps to grow, which could cause a miscarriage, or develop into cancer. Unfortunately, I think it would be unethical to try IVF, regardless of the outcome of the biopsy. I'm sorry."

Olivia and Alex walked silently, hand in hand, to Alex's regular Friday afternoon therapy appointment, and Olivia stopped to give her a kiss on her wet cheek in front of the building. "Lex, I can't, yet. I need to walk it off. I'll come next week?" she asked, and Alex nodded, aware that Olivia processed things very differently from her.

When she was sure Alex had gotten into the elevator, she opened her phone to make a call.

"Munch," he answered.

"John, I need your help," Olivia said, getting into a cab and giving her address. "Can you come over?"

"Be right there," John replied.

He gave her a long hug when she let him into the apartment.

"Thanks for coming," she said. "I couldn't deal with Elliot right now."

"I'm not sure how you deal with him normally," John joked. "Tell me what you need."

"I want all of this gone by the time Alex gets home," she said, wheeling a big suitcase into the spare bedroom.

Together, they disassembled the crib and packed the various stuffed animals, onesies, cloth diapers, and crib sheets into the suitcase. Olivia took the Winnie the Pooh artwork off of the walls, and unplugged the nightlight. She got a box from the office to pack up _Goodnight Moon_ and _Guess How Much I Love You_ along with some of the framed pictures of Noah. They made three trips down to the basement storage unit until the only things left in the room were the double bed, the rocking chair, and the empty dresser, which Olivia rearranged before changing the sheets, putting up new curtains, and covering the rocking chair with an afghan.

"Thank you, John," Olivia said warmly, shooing him out before Alex was scheduled to return home. "I owe you one."

John hugged her and gave her a peck on the cheek. "No you don't," he replied. "Just take care of each other, okay?"

* * *

**Please review!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimers: I own nothing.**

**Author's Note: Thanks to Tummer22 for part of this storyline :-)**

* * *

Olivia had dinner on the table and a glass of wine ready when Alex got home, and she met her at the door, waiting for Alex to signal whether she wanted comfort or some time alone to process her thoughts. Alex still went to therapy pretty regularly, and since they had begun trying to have a baby, Olivia had tried to be attentive to Alex's needs after her sessions.

Her eyes were red and puffy, and she kicked off her shoes and fell into Olivia's arms. Tonight, she didn't want to be left alone with her thoughts.

Olivia held her for several long minutes, burying her nose in Alex's hair and massaging her back. "Hey, sweetie," she said softly. "I've got dinner ready, but if you want I'll draw you a bath."

"A bath sounds nice," Alex murmured. "Together, though? I don't want to be alone."

Olivia kissed her temple. "Let me just grab the wine."

Alex headed towards the bathroom and paused at the door to the spare bedroom, which Olivia had left slightly ajar, and pushed it open, stepping inside and staring at the blank walls. She vaguely heard Olivia walk by to turn on the water, then return, calling her name when she didn't find her in the bathroom or the master bedroom.

"Lex," she breathed, finding Alex frozen in the center of the room. She wrapped her arms around Alex again, and Alex let out a silent sob and pounded her fist over and over into Olivia's shoulder. "Shh, baby. It's going to be okay. We're going to be okay."

After a few minutes, Olivia led Alex gently towards the bathroom. "Sweetie, I've got to turn the water off or we're going to have a flood to clean up." She turned off the faucet and checked the temperature of the water.

"I'm sorry I hit you," Alex said softly, kissing the spot she had hit.

"It's okay, Lex. You didn't hurt me." She took Alex's hand and brought it to her lips. "I'll press charges next time, though," she said, smiling softly. Alex pressed her lips together in an attempted smile as a reply.

She gently undressed Alex and held her hand as she sat down in the tub, then undressed herself and got in behind her, pulling Alex back into her arms.

"John helped me put everything down in the basement," Olivia explained, caressing Alex's stomach. "I didn't want you to have to deal with that anymore. I'm sorry I can't give you what we want either," she whispered.

"Liv, what if you…"

"Shh, Lex, I don't have cancer, I promise."

"You can't promise me that."

"You heard what she said. I looked it up. Polyps are very common and they're usually not a big deal. So let's stick with that until we hear otherwise, okay?"

"I can't lose you."

Olivia kissed her cheek and squeezed her hand. "You're not going to."

—

Olivia and Alex barely spoke in the weeks that followed, preferring instead to cuddle, remaining in close proximity whenever they were at home. At night, they clung to each other, needing their skin to touch. They made love, sometimes slowly and gently, and sometimes frantically, feeling closer than ever despite their profound sadness.

Olivia's surgery was scheduled, and they were both grateful when the end of the school semester meant that Sarah moved in with them for the summer so she could take a summer internship at the DA's office. At least there would be something to talk about other than work and not having a baby.

Alex helped Sarah bring the last of her boxes into the spare bedroom and put it down on the dresser, fleeing into the kitchen to make tea as soon as she set it down. She was still in the habit of keeping the door to the room closed most of the time, even though the painful memories were starting to fade.

"Are you sure it's okay for me to stay here? I'm not… intruding?" Sarah asked, sitting down at the bar. "I could probably still get a room in the dorm."

Alex pulled down a second mug and poured Sarah a cup of tea. "It's fine," she said, putting the milk and sugar on the counter. "We wouldn't have offered if it wasn't."

"I know it's none of my business, but are you guys okay?"

"We're going to be alright," Alex said, smiling weakly. "We're just trying to figure out where to go from here, you know?"

"Mhm," Sarah agreed, sipping from her mug.

"Listen, just so we're clear, we're not your parents, so we don't expect you to ask us permission to go out, or stay out late, or anything like that. But just do us a favor and let one of us know when you'll be home or if you're going to be late so we're not worried about getting called out to the crime scene where they found your body, okay?"

Sarah chuckled. "Seems fair."

"We'll probably go up to my place in Edgartown on Martha's Vineyard for a couple of long weekends, and maybe even for a week or two after Olivia's surgery. My brother will be there with my niece and nephew and maybe my sister-in-law. You're welcome to join us if you want. Bring a friend. The house is big enough."

"Sounds like fun. I don't know if they'll let me have time off, though."

"It'll probably depend on what department you're in. Have you thought about what you want to ask for?"

"Well, I thought about asking for SVU, but I heard my boss might be a hard-ass." Sarah smiled into her mug.

"Who, Casey?" Alex chuckled, and Sarah rolled her eyes. "Why SVU?"

Sarah shrugged. "I thought I'd be able to, I don't know, connect to it more. Feel like I was helping people, like you helped me. If it's drug cases or money laundering or something it'd probably be kinda boring."

"They won't put you in SVU unless you're sure you want it and convince them you can handle it," Alex said. "Not everyone can, and that doesn't make them bad people. There are plenty of good people in the DA's office who wouldn't last 5 minutes in SVU. But we don't always get an intern because there's not always someone who's cut out for it."

"Did you pick SVU? I mean, the first time?"

"Yeah. But I picked it because I thought helping living victims meant they would vote for me if I ran for office. You can ask Olivia about the ridiculous speech I gave her captain the first time we met. But being in SVU… it changes you. Politics, procedure, hell, even the law… sometimes it just doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't make sense given what we deal with."

"So how _do_ you deal with it?"

Alex chuckled. "Breaking lots of rules. Almost flushing my career down the toilet on at least three separate occasions. Getting shot. You know, the usual."

"But seriously?"

"Sarah, if you want to do SVU, I'm certainly not going to stop you. But just be warned that we deal with the absolute worst of humanity. What happened to you was bad, and what happened to me was bad, but some of the cases we've seen… they'll haunt you. You'll wonder how people can have any kind of normal life after the stuff they've been through. And just when you think you've seen the absolute worst thing that one human being can do to another, you'll see something even more horrible. Even though you wouldn't be working directly with victims or suspects, Olivia and I won't be able to shield you from that."

Sarah nodded, and Alex reached across to touch her hand. "I'm not trying to discourage you. I just want you to know what you're getting yourself into if you ask for SVU. We go through detectives and ADAs like nobody's business until we get someone good who decides to stick around."

"Was it hard for you to go back there, after…"

"After I was raped? Surprisingly, no," Alex said. "After I came back for your case I knew SVU was where I belonged. I thought it would be harder, and I scheduled a few extra therapy sessions around the time I transferred back. But honestly? It felt like going home. There were a few cases that were tricky, but it fired me up. And I won them."

"Do you think it'll make me have flashbacks?" Sarah asked. "Or nightmares? Or make me want to… do unhealthy things again?"

"I don't know, sweetheart. Olivia and I don't sleep much. After the really tough cases, we probably drink a bit more than we should. And sometimes we can't even… touch each other because something one of us saw was just too awful. So, you have a few days to think about it, but nobody, especially not Olivia and I, will think badly of you if you want to do something other than SVU. My bosses aren't going to say whether you picked your assignment or not, so unless you tell me, I won't even know if you tell them you don't want SVU. And if you _do_ get SVU, I need you to promise not to play the martyr and to talk to me, or Olivia, or Casey if it gets to be too much."

—

Olivia sat at her desk chewing the end of her pen, checking the clock for the umpteenth time to see when Munch and Fin would be coming in to take over catching. An hour and forty-two minutes left to go.

"Maybe it'll go faster if you stop watching it, Liv," Elliot chided, throwing a crumpled up piece of paper at her. "What's eating you?"

Olivia sighed. "Nothing, El. I just want to get this paperwork done and go home."

"Alex waiting at home for you?"

"Probably. One of her former students from Portland, Sarah, is at Columbia now and got an internship at the DA's office for the summer, so she's staying with us. Alex was helping her move her stuff out of the dorm today."

"Ooh, having a kid in the house again. You know, that's going to put a damper on…"

"Elliot, finish that sentence and I'll put a damper on your balls, permanently." Olivia leaned over to begin scribbling on a DD5, not really caring what she wrote.

Elliot bit his tongue and put his pen down. "Liv, seriously, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, Elliot. Can we just get this done so we can leave?"

"You know, maybe it's time to try another adoption agency. I'm sure there are plenty out there that'll be glad to have you guys as parents."

"Thanks, Elliot, we hadn't thought of that," Olivia replied sarcastically. She stood up and grabbed her coffee mug to get away from her desk for a minute.

"Or have _you_ tried to get pregnant? I mean, 44 isn't ideal, but Kathy had Eli at 42 and he was fine…"

"Elliot, will you _please_ stop?" Olivia turned around, and Elliot immediately saw the pain in her eyes.

_What an idiot_, he thought. _Why didn't I see it before?_

"Oh. You tried that already, didn't you?" he said quietly, putting her coffee on her desk. "Liv, I'm your partner. You could've told me."

"El, to be honest, it's none of your business. And you have five perfect kids of your own."

"Benson! Stabler!" The captain called from his office. "We got a call. Motorist called it in. A woman with two kids on the George Washington bridge. Go! Backup's right behind you."

Olivia picked up her jacket and bolted towards the car, with Elliot following closely. When they arrived at the scene, they saw that a lane of traffic had been blocked off by an old model car on the side of the bridge. From a distance, Olivia could see an adult holding a small child on the edge of the barrier, and another small child was standing next to her, clinging to her mother's leg and shivering in the pouring rain.

She adjusted the earpiece that would allow the other police officers to listen to the hostage negotiation, and slowly began approaching the woman from the side.

"Hey," she called out, as kindly as she could. "My name's Olivia. What's your name? Is everything okay?"

"I'm Susan," the woman responded. "Don't come any closer or I'll drop him in!"

"Susan," Olivia replied. "That's a nice name. How old are you, Susan?"

"24," she said.

"And who's that you got with you, Susan?"

"Jeremy is 5 and Kate is 3," Susan answered, swaying on her feet.

"Susan, it's awfully dangerous out here for Jeremy and Kate," Olivia said. "Why don't you bring them over here and we can talk."

"No! You people just want to take them away from me!"

"Susan, I don't want to take them away from you. I want to make sure they're safe and that you can all stay together."

"You people put their daddy in jail, and then the welfare office said they couldn't give me any benefits because I make $3 more than the maximum, and I can barely have a meal so my babies get enough to eat, and then somebody comes to my house and wants to take my babies away. No! I don't believe you!" Olivia's heart sunk as Susan's anger caused the little boy to sway on the railing.

"Susan, I promise you that if you just take Jeremy down and you all come with me, we can work this out. We'll figure it out together, okay?" Olivia took a step closer.

"No! Stay away!" The boy swayed on the railing again.

"Susan, let's just go down to my office, and get warmed up, and have some coffee, and talk about this, okay? I'll call my friend Casey in the benefits office, and she'll bring down your file, and we'll see what we can do to fix it."

Olivia took another step forward and watched it happen in slow motion before her. Susan yanked the boy's arm to wave off Olivia's advance, and he shrieked as he lost his balance. Olivia ran the remaining steps to the railing and reached over to catch him by the arm, but she barely brushed the crying boy's fingers as he fell.

"No!" she cried, screaming as she turned around to take her anger out on the mother. It was too late for that, too; Susan was already being dragged into a police car by the backup and Elliot already held Kate in his arms.

Olivia spun around and began walking as fast as she could away from the squad car, away from the group of cops still trying to figure out what had happened, and headed towards Manhattan.

She had been walking and crying for at least half an hour when the squad car pulled up beside her. "Get in," Elliot said, rolling down the window.

Olivia ignored him and kept walking.

"Liv, you can't walk from Washington Heights all the way down to 78th Street at 8:30 at night. It's dark out, it's not safe for _anyone_ alone, even a cop, and don't even _think_ about making me send Alex out to look for you, because you don't want her out here alone in her nice car, do you?"

Olivia reluctantly stopped and got into the passenger seat, not saying a word.

Elliot took a blanket from the back and wrapped it around her shoulders. "You're soaking wet," he said. "Let's get you home."

He helped her up the stairs and knocked on the door, guiding Olivia right into Alex's arms.

"Thanks, Elliot," Alex said, smiling slightly and closing the door.

Olivia didn't say a word, but followed Alex into the bathroom and let herself be undressed and put into the tub.

"I'll be right back with some tea, okay?" Alex whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "It'll warm you right up."

She splashed a bit of bourbon into the mug and brought it in to Olivia, whose expression hadn't changed since she'd gotten into the squad car.

"Drink this, babe, it'll warm you up." She reached over and ran her hand across the top of Olivia's back. "I'm so sorry, baby. There was nothing you could have done."

"It happened right in front of me and I couldn't stop it," Olivia said, barely audibly.

"I know, babe. Elliot told me what happened. He said the girl was safe and the paramedics said she was okay."

"How can people throw away their kids, Lex?" And because Alex didn't have an answer, she just brought Olivia to bed and held her tight.

* * *

**Please review and let me know what you think!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimers: Don't own it.**

**Sorry it took so long! Please enjoy and review.**

* * *

After guiding Olivia to bed, Alex undressed and snuggled in next to her, pressing their skin together and soothing Olivia as she sobbed.

"Shh, Liv, it'll be okay," Alex whispered. She rubbed Olivia's back and ran her fingers through her hair.

When Olivia stopped crying a while later, she shook her head and rested it above Alex's shoulder, and put her arms around her waist. "Elliot kept asking me today if we were trying anything else. As if we didn't already know what our options were."

"Did you tell him about the surgery on Wednesday?"

"That's none of his business. The Captain knows I'm having minor surgery, and that's it. I really don't need sympathy from him."

"He's been your partner for more than ten years, Liv. He _does_ care about you, you know."

"Yeah, but we don't talk about this stuff, and I don't see the need to start now. I've got you right here, and that's all I need."

"Charmer," Alex said, kissing her. "I love you."

Olivia smiled through her tears and leaned over her, running her fingers up Alex's bare sides. "You know we only have a few days left before I have to cut you off for four to six weeks."

"Are you saying I should get my fill now, Detective?"

Olivia pressed their noses together and looked into Alex's eyes. "I'm saying you better take advantage while you still can." She kissed Alex gently. "Is this okay, or do you want to switch? We haven't tried it like this in a while," Olivia said quietly.

Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck and pulled her down. "This is perfect."

—

Alex stalked up to the prosecution table at 9 AM on Monday morning with steam coming out of her ears, after Olivia had spent most of the weekend crying in Alex's arms and Susan Rice had sat in interrogation refusing to say a word. She shot Trevor Langan a look as he took the bench next to his client.

"Docket ending -4783, People vs. Susan Rice. Charges are one count of murder in the first degree, one count attempted murder, and two counts child negligence. How does your client plead?" Judge Ridenour asked, a bored look on his face.

"Not guilty," she stated, emotionless.

"Not guilty by reason of extreme emotional distress. My client was reacting to difficult personal circumstances and not in her right mind," Trevor supplied.

"So entered. Can I hear the People on bail?"

"The People request remand. The defendant clearly planned out her crime, as she drove to the middle of the George Washington Bridge late at night during a rainstorm, parked her car, and proceeded to carry out murder in the presence of nearly a dozen NYPD officers and a trained hostage negotiator, while putting the lives of all the officers involved at risk. She is a danger to her other minor child, who is in the custody of Child Protective Services, and has no other family ties in New York. We consider her a danger to others and a serious flight risk."

"ROR, Your Honor. My client's child is in the custody of the state and her emotional issues make it difficult for her to aide in her own defense in a prison environment. She has limited financial resources, and remanding her into custody would be cruel and unusual."

"If limited financial resources and emotional issues are all it takes to stay out of prison, I guess we better empty Rikers," Alex retorted.

"My client's history of mental illness and emotional distress caused her to lose her only son. Where's your compassion, Alex?"

Alex glared at Trevor. "My _compassion_ is with the little boy who fell 212 feet to his death and whose body still hasn't been found."

"Watch it, Ms. Cabot, or I'll hold you in contempt. The defendant is remanded into custody, but I'm ordering a 730 exam to determine the extent of her alleged mental health issues and whether or not she's competent to stand trial," Ridenour ruled, banging his gavel.

Alex huffed and turned on her heel, avoiding eye contact with Trevor, and went to George's office.

"Hey, Alex, come in," he said warmly when she knocked on the door. She went in and sat down, leaning her briefcase against the legs of the chair.

Alex sighed. "Hi George," she said, smiling as he studied her. "What's your take on the Susan Rice case? The judge ordered a 730 exam."

George put his pen down and folded his hands on his desk. "I haven't talked to her yet," he said kindly. "But my take from watching her over the weekend is that she's probably depressed, and I don't think she has very high intelligence. I'm not sure she understood what was going on. I think she's clouded by post-partum depression."

"Post-partum? Her daughter is 2."

George shook his head. "Her medical records show that she had a stillbirth at 24 weeks about 6 months ago, around the time when her boyfriend went to jail. Langan just sent them over. She hadn't mentioned it to the detectives yet as far as I know. She didn't talk much at all this weekend."

"That explains why he was giving me dirty looks in court this morning and talking to me about compassion," Alex said, looking at the file. "He should know better than to try that with me."

George nodded. "This might be a tough case for you, Alex," George said. "And for Olivia."

"Olivia was a wreck on Saturday night," Alex confirmed quietly. "I can't imagine having to watch that… she was shattered when she came home."

"And what about you? You both lost two children recently."

"Three," Alex corrected. "We hadn't announced the first pregnancy yet. It was too early, and I lost it at 7 weeks. And we… exhausted all of our other options a few weeks ago."

"I'm sorry, Alex." George said, smiling understandingly. It must be difficult to work on a case like this when you're struggling with your own loss."

Alex shook her head. "When I was raped, it's not like I suddenly found the crime of rape to be _more_ reprehensible. I understood it better, from the victim's side, but… my feelings on the topic didn't really change. But this… George, we see so many kids who are unloved, and mistreated, and abused, and kids who cycle in and out of foster care… and these people get to have kids, and sometimes _keep_ having kids, and meanwhile, someone's telling _us_ that _we're_ unfit to be parents? This woman literally threw her child away."

"It's not fair," George supplied, and Alex nodded in agreement. "I have no doubt you would both make wonderful parents."

"Doesn't matter. It doesn't really look like that's an option for us at this point. We'll have to settle for being aunts." She reached over to pick up her briefcase. "I'm going to call Langan to set up the exam. Any chance you can do it tomorrow? I'm out of the office at the end of the week."

"Tomorrow's fine. Will you ask Munch and Fin to look into the circumstances of the stillbirth this afternoon? I only have the medical details here, and it would be good to know how she reacted at the time and how she felt about the pregnancy."

Alex nodded, staring absentmindedly at the corner of George's desk. "I can do that," she said.

"Alex?"

"I felt her move," Alex whispered, her eyes fixed on a coffee mug filled with pens. "Our daughter, at 16 weeks. I never told Olivia because it was early, and I wasn't sure… and then we lost her." She picked up her briefcase and stood up abruptly, slipping back into her professional mask. "I'll email you and let you know what time tomorrow after I talk to Trevor. Thanks, George."

—

When Alex got back to the DA's office, she knocked on Casey's door, and entered to find her sitting with Sarah and a young man.

"Alex, meet our interns. You know Sarah, and this is Grant. They were squabbling over SVU this morning," Casey said proudly.

Alex smiled at Sarah and held out her hand to Grant. "Alex Cabot. Nice to meet you," she said, as he stood up to shake her hand.

"Nice to meet you, Ms. Cabot," he replied shyly.

"Please, Alex is fine," she said. "Squabbling over SVU, huh? Not Homicide or Major Case? That's new," she said to Casey, sitting down in a free chair. "I have to say, I'm flattered."

Casey nodded. "Not to worry; I've already rubbed it in Jim Steele's face for you once this morning, but feel free to do it again. They both know that they're free to request another department at any time, or choose not to work on certain cases, and that they won't have much interaction with victims or perps. We'll give you questions and cases to research, and you're free to watch either of us in court whenever you like. Do you have anything to add?"

"Just talk to one of us if the cases start getting to you. SVU isn't easy, and everyone on the team has gotten overly involved in a case at one point or another." She shared a look with Casey and they laughed. "I don't think you'd be able to do too much damage, but don't be martyrs, okay?"

They nodded.

"Alright, let's go over our open cases. I've got two rapes, a rape-homicide, a child abuse, and a suspected molestation," Casey began.

"And I've got two rapes, a gang rape, and a woman who threw her three year old son off the George Washington bridge this weekend," Alex finished. "You'll both be with Casey later in the week, since I'll be taking personal days on Wednesday, Thursday, and possibly Friday, but I'll leave some stuff to do and I'll be available. Whoever's with me can come to observe the 730 exam with Susan Rice tomorrow at the precinct."

"Can I take that one?" Grant asked.

Alex nodded. "Fine. Why don't you come to my office and we'll both get you guys up to speed on our cases. And if they're not doing lunch for you today, we'll take you out to lunch and then go over to meet the detectives. How does that sound?"

Grant followed Alex into her office, and she cleared off a spot on her conference table for him to put his things.

"So, what brings you to the DA's office?" Alex asked, taking off her coat and sitting down behind her desk. "And to SVU?"

"I just finished my second year at Columbia Law," he replied shyly. "I'm in prosecution, and I thought it would be good to have some experience… I was just drawn to SVU, I guess."

Alex moved a pile of case files and smiled. "It's a bit of a personal question, but everyone has a reason for coming to SVU. For me, it was politics. I thought it would be a good career move. When I came back, it was because SVU is family. And I couldn't imagine being anywhere else." She offered him a bottle of water from the mini-fridge behind her desk. "We're not kidding when we say SVU is tough, but we do work with some of the best people. You'll meet them in a bit."

They chatted about Columbia and Alex's current cases, until it was almost lunchtime, and they got up to meet Casey and Sarah.

"Figure out why you want to be in SVU," Alex advised him when they were done, locking the door to her office. "Because that's where your blind spot will be."

—

Olivia gripped Alex's hand as they walked into the pre-op room early on Wednesday morning, Olivia carrying her overnight bag, and Alex clutching her briefcase with a ream of papers, from Olivia's medical power of attorney and living will to their domestic partnership certificate.

They had waited more than an hour after Olivia's scheduled appointment time, with Alex pacing back and forth, muttering about incompetence, when a nurse finally stuck her head in the room.

"Detective Benson?" she asked.

A tired Olivia nodded and intercepted Alex's hand as she raised it to scold the nurse for her tardiness.

"I just wanted to let you know that there was a bad car accident early this morning, and all of our operating rooms are currently full, so we're having to delay some routine procedures like yours. You'll likely still get in a bit later today, but we're not sure yet exactly how long it'll be. I'm going to check you in to a regular room so you'll be a bit more comfortable and have a TV, and we'll update you as soon as we have more information."

"Any chance I could get something to eat?" Olivia asked. "I've been fasting since last night, and I'm starving."

The nurse smiled sympathetically. "Let me check with the doctor. Normally, you can't eat for 8 hours before surgery, so it'll depend on how fast they think they can get you in there."

Olivia thanked the nurse and sat back in the bed, pulling Alex in to lay down next to her. "Stop worrying; it's going to be fine," she whispered for the umpteenth time, stroking Alex's cheek. "Listen, it's going to be a while, so why don't you go get some coffee, and bring back a magazine or something trashy to read that _isn't _a case file, and we can play cards or something until it's time, okay?"

"I don't want to leave you…"

"I promise I'll call if they come back and I won't let them take me in without giving you a kiss. But coffee and a magazine will keep you from going crazy. Or driving _me_ crazy," she said, winking.

"I thought you liked it when I drove you crazy," Alex pouted.

"You pacing is not the same kind of crazy," Olivia explained. "Go. Get some coffee. You'll feel better. And if the nurse comes back and tells me I can have one, I'll call you to get me one, too."

After Alex left, Olivia settled into an armchair with a Sudoku puzzle and tried not to focus on the upcoming surgery, but she jumped out of her seat when she heard a shriek come from the hall.

She peaked out of the door to see a young girl being wheeled down the hallway on a bed, her dark hair matted and a veil being cut off by a nurse with safety scissors. A male nurse backed away from the bed, holding his hands in the air.

"I don't know what's wrong. I didn't even touch her," he said.

"Just get Dr. Logan," the other nurse snapped. "And call SVU!"

Olivia followed as they wheeled her into a room across the hall, and poked her head in. "I'm SVU," she said, recognizing the nurse from previous work encounters. She entered the room and smiled kindly at the young girl, who was crying and cowering as the nurse carefully cut off her clothes and covered her with a hospital gown.

Olivia approached her slowly from the side, and held out her hand after making eye contact for a brief moment. The left side of the girl's face and her left shoulder were covered with blisters, perhaps from a fresh burn, and once the nurse had tied the back of the hospital gown around her neck, she took some cotton pads and began to treat the burned area. The girl took Olivia's hand and gripped it, shrieking again as the nurse touched the burn, and again, pushing her legs together, as Dr. Logan entered the room.

Olivia kept squeezing the girl's hand, never breaking eye contact, as she began muttering words in a language Olivia couldn't identify, and Olivia responded by speaking in a soft, soothing tone.

"13-year-old girl, or thereabouts, no ID, brought in from an acid attack. I had Mike call SVU. Girl freaked out when he got near her, which I thought suggested sexual assault. Then I saw the blood test results," the nurse stated, handing the file over to the doctor.

"She's pregnant," Dr. Logan said, incredulous. "Probably about 5 months, by the looks of these hormone levels, but we'll have to check. I doubt she's had prenatal care or this would have already been reported."

"We have no idea who she is or where she's from. She doesn't appear to speak any English," the nurse offered.

"Or French, or Spanish, or Italian," Olivia supplied. "I tried out a few things and she hasn't responded to any of it or acknowledged that she understood."

"I'm going to see if she'll let me do a brief physical exam. I don't want to traumatize her too much until we can get an interpreter and explain what's going on, but I'd like to know what we're dealing with, here." Dr. Logan said.

The doctor came up to the girl's side and showed her hands, before gently pressing them on her abdomen. "She's definitely at least 4-5 months along. I'm getting a lot of kicks and movement."

Her eyes filled with tears and she held on to Olivia's hands as the doctor lifted up the gown and gently pushed the girl's legs apart and pulled aside her panties.

"Jesus," she said, dropping the gown and removing her gloves.

"What is it?" Olivia asked.

"She's been completely infibulated."

* * *

**Please review! Thank you!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimers: I own nothing.**

**Author's note: Sorry I made you do homework. If you didn't look up what 'infibulation' is, I explain it in this chapter. And whatever you do, DON'T do an image search unless you want to have nightmares forever.**

* * *

"Infibulated?" Olivia asked.

"Mutilated," Dr. Logan explained. "All of her external sex organs have been cut off and she's been sewn up, rather crudely, I might add. She looks like Barbie. It's scarred over, so it's been at least a few years. She's swollen and red, which points to a recent sexual assault, but I'm not sure I can give her an exam without causing her extreme pain."

Olivia winced. "Do you think you could at least do a swab if I hold her hand?"

Dr. Logan took some cotton swabs and held them up for the girl to see, and took the black light. Olivia watched as the girl held very still and scrunched up her face, anticipating pain.

"I've got fluids on her legs, too," she said, taking another set of swabs. "I've seen this on grown women before, but never on a child. This is the most extreme case I've seen."

"Okay, it's okay," Olivia soothed repeatedly. She took a box of tissues from the side table and held them, as the girl took one and dried her tears.

When she was done, she looked at Olivia and blinked her bright green eyes, whispering the only word Olivia understood she she had started speaking. "Shukran."

Olivia squeezed her hand and smiled gently. "Afwan," she replied. Olivia raised her hand and placed her palm on her chest. "Olivia," she said, indicating herself, before pointing at the young girl.

"Ismii Safa," the girl replied. "Shukran, Ooleevia."

Olivia pointed. "Ismii Safa?"

"La," the girl said, shaking her head and placing her palm on her chest again. "Safa."

"Safa," Olivia said warmly. She looked at the doctor. "So, she speaks Arabic. Any chance you can narrow down where she's from based on her… mutilation?"

The doctor shook her head. "It's mostly practiced in Africa, so maybe rural Egypt? It's less common in other North African countries and on the Arabian peninsula, but still possible."

A nurse knocked on the door and stuck her head. "SVU is here; can I send them in?"

Dr. Logan nodded, and Elliot and Munch pushed open the door. Safa immediately gasped, bringing her hands up to cover her head.

"Guys, can you give her a sec?" Olivia asked. She looked around and reached for a folded up cloth, which she brought to Safa's forehead and wrapped around her hair. "Okay?"

They came back in, and Safa curled up, retreating as far as possible into the hospital bed, hiding behind Olivia.

"Liv, what are you doing here? I thought you had the day off?" Elliot asked. "Captain said you'd be gone for a few days, and Cabot was out too… I thought you were off getting sexed up somewhere. Proposing, maybe."

Olivia blushed and waved her hand. "I was in the neighborhood," she said vaguely. "This is Safa. She was brought in for an acid attack to her face, and she's pregnant and she's been mutilated. Dr. Logan is going to do an ultrasound to see how far along she is. The most I've been able to get out of her is that she speaks a dialect of Arabic, so she could be Egyptian."

John held up a fingerprint card. "INS may be able to tell us who she is if she entered the country legally."

He approached her cautiously and reached for her hand, but Safa scooted behind Olivia and hid her face, so Olivia took the ink and the card and placed it on the rolling table.

"It's okay, sweetie," she soothed, taking the girl's hands. She began explaining the fingerprinting process and did the cards.

As she handed them off to John, Alex burst into the room. "Hi sweetie, the nurses told me you were in here. No coffee for you because they said it won't be more than another hour or two," she said, stopping when she saw Elliot and Munch. "Hi guys. What are you doing here?"

"We could ask you the same question," Elliot answered.

"Sweetie? That's cute," Munch said, smirking. "I never imagined you calling anyone 'sweetie.'"

Alex rolled her eyes. "Did you tell them you were here?"

"No," Olivia replied. "I came in here because this girl was shrieking in the hallway, and it turns out she's an SVU case. So they showed up."

"That still doesn't explain what you two are doing here when it's supposed to be your day off," Elliot said.

"El, if I'd wanted you to know, I would've told you," Olivia said. "But since you're here, I'm supposed to be having _very minor_ surgery this morning, which would have already been finished, except there was a car accident and all of the operating rooms were full. So the nurse admitted me, and Alex left to get coffee because she was going crazy sitting around waiting, and I heard Safa screaming in the hall and went to check it out, which is how we ended up here."

"You could have told me you were having surgery, Liv," Elliot said.

"It's not a big deal, El, it's just a little thing that I have to get taken care of. You guys should go figure out who this girl is and see if you can get an interpreter down here."

"Alright, let's go see what we can find," Munch said, heading towards the door. "Good luck, Liv. Don't let them implant anything in you." He winked.

"Bye, guys."

They left, and Alex walked over to where Olivia was sitting on the bed, putting an arm around her and kissing her forehead.

"I didn't want to do that while they were here," Alex admitted as Olivia leaned into her embrace. "You doing okay? Not too nervous?"

Olivia shook her head, and leaned in closer to Alex. "Can I at least _smell_ your coffee?" she said desperately.

Alex laughed and rolled her eyes. "Oh, so that's what this was about. My coffee." She took the cover off and held it under Olivia's nose. "Is that better, sweetie?"

Olivia nodded and inhaled deeply, smiling. "Much better."

"When you're done making out with my coffee, want to introduce me to your friend?" Alex asked, smiling at the young girl.

Olivia introduced Safa, and gestured towards Alex. "Alex," she said, and when Safa looked confused, she elaborated. "Alexandra."

Safa's eyes lit up in recognition. "Aleskandria," she said. "Alesk."

Dr. Logan entered, pushing the ultrasound machine, and Safa whimpered, hiding behind Olivia again.

"It's okay, sweetie. It won't hurt, I promise," Olivia soothed, as the doctor held up the implement to show her and then pressed it to her stomach through the gown, demonstrating that it didn't hurt. Moving slowly, Olivia held one of Safa's hands and used the other to lift up her hospital gown to her chest.

Safa jumped as the gel bottle farted and cool globs landed on her stomach.

"You don't have to stay for this," Olivia said quietly, looking over at Alex. "She's scared, so I'm going to hold her hand, but if you want to wait outside…"

"No, it's okay," Alex said, settling into a chair next to the bed. She tried not to look at the screen, but Olivia noticed that she kept glancing over as the doctor took various images and measurements.

After a few minutes of silence, the doctor let out an audible sigh, pausing the ultrasound on an image of the fetus's lungs.

"Do you see that?" she said, pointing to a spot in the middle. "That shows her lung development. It means she's at around 25-26 weeks, so even if Safa wants to, I wouldn't be legally able to do an abortion."

Olivia smiled gently at Safa, watching Alex out of the corner of her eye.

"She?" Alex asked, and the doctor came back to the scan of the fetus's genitals, and pointed it out on the screen.

"It's a girl," the doctor confirmed. "She's a bit on the small side, but I don't see any obvious problems. It can be a bit hard to tell at this late stage with no prenatal care, but everything looks normal. Once you guys get a social worker down here, I'll talk to her about scheduling a C-section, since she's too young to give birth naturally. I'll also want to open up her scar before she gets too much farther along, because being closed up that tightly will prevent her cervix from dilating properly, and cause complications. And if she were to go into labor, there's a chance she could rip the scar tissue open and hemmorage."

"Okay, well once we get the parents and the social worker in here, we can discuss all of that with them," Olivia said, watching Alex get up and walk out into the hallway. "Excuse me a second." She squeezed Safa's hands and followed Alex out, pulling her into a hug.

"That poor girl," Alex finally said, sniffling into Olivia's shoulder. "I'm sorry, I'm just a little edgy this morning."

"Hey, it's okay," Olivia said, rocking her gently. "We're not officially on this case, and it _is_ a really bad one. I just thought she was scared and needed a hand to hold. But I know that must have been hard for you, too."

"I'll be okay," Alex choked. "It's just… she shouldn't be…"

"I know, babe."

"Detective Benson?" a nurse asked, walking by. "They'll be ready for you in pre-op in about 5 minutes. Are you ready?"

Olivia nodded. "Let's just say goodbye to Safa," she said, holding Alex's hand as they headed back down the hall into her room.

The doctor had gone, and she was alone in the room, curled up tight in the corner of the bed and whimpering. She looked up when Olivia entered the room slowly, and her crying stopped. Olivia sat back down on the bed and covered her with a blanket, then brushed the hair behind her ear on the side of her face that hadn't been burned.

"Hey, I've got to go," she said softly, "but it'll be okay. The doctors and police officers will take good care of you, and I'll come back to visit later if you're still here, alright? Don't be scared; nobody's going to hurt you here." Olivia squeezed her hand and smiled, and then got up, taking Alex's hand and heading towards the pre-op room.

"I don't know how you do that," Alex said as they walked down the hall together. "She doesn't even understand what you're saying to her."

"She understands kindness," Olivia said. "The nurses weren't going to try to talk to her once they realized she didn't speak English. The poor thing is terrified, and she's clearly been through a lot. She's barely a teenager, Lex, and she probably has no idea what's going on."

Olivia changed into her gown and handed the rest of her belongings to Alex as she got on the gurney. She took Alex's hand and brushed her cheek as Alex's lip started to quiver. "Sweetie, it's okay. I'm going to be fine, I promise," she whispered. "I love you."

"I'm just being silly," Alex said, her voice shaky.

"Hey, you're not being silly. But I'm not going anywhere."

"Don't walk towards any bright lights," Alex said.

"I won't," Olivia smiled. "I'll see you in a few hours, okay?" Alex nodded. "And maybe you could go sit with her, if you want? She might like the company."

Alex took Olivia's hand and kissed her gently as the nurse cleared her throat, ready to take Olivia away. "I love you. I'll be there when you wake up."

After the doors closed, Alex went back down to Safa's room and peeked in, then entered slowly and pointed at the chair next to the bed, asking for permission to sit. Safa stayed huddled under the blanket and watched Alex, her eyes peeking out over the arms folded on her knees, and she nodded almost imperceptibly.

Alex tried to adopt the same soothing tone Olivia always used with victims. "I'm just going to sit here with you until Olivia comes back, if that's okay," she said, taking out a copy of the _New Yorker_. "You're being very brave, but I thought you could use some company, so you wouldn't have to be alone in here. I know it can be scary. And to be honest, I could use some company, too."

She flipped through the pages of the magazine, but spent more time watching Safa out of the corner of her eye, who was scooting, very slowly, over to Alex's side of the bed.

Alex pulled a couple of Dove chocolates and her iPhone out of her purse and held out a chocolate to Safa, who took it and examined the wrapper. Then, she opened her phone to the most recent cat video Liz had sent, and stood next to the bed to press play, holding it in front of Safa. After a minute, Safa looked up at her and put her hands on Alex's arm, guiding her down to sit next to her on the bed.

By the third video clip, Safa was giggling, her head on Alex's shoulder, and Alex clicked away into her photos to find pictures of her own cat. Before the app could load, Safa paused, and took Alex's hand, placing it on her stomach, where she felt a strong kick.

"Wow," Alex said, sitting up and turning to smile at Safa. She took a deep breath and tried to mask her sadness, but bright green eyes met hers, and Safa squeezed her hand, and maintained eye contact as she touched her fingers gently to Alex's abdomen.

Alex squeezed her hand back and shook her head sadly, blinking back tears.

The moment was interrupted when the door opened, and Alex let go of Safa's hand to pick up and hide the chocolate wrappers that were between them on the bed.

"I see you made a friend?" Munch said, as he and Elliot strode into the room, followed by a third man, whom Alex guessed to be an interpreter.

Safa adjusted the cloth on her head and held on to Alex's arm, hiding behind her, and Alex squeezed her hand.

"I thought you were the nurse," Alex said, handing him the candy wrappers to throw in the trash. "We've been bonding over funny cat videos and Dove chocolates, which the nurse doesn't know I've been giving her."

"Where's Liv?" Elliot asked, looking around, avoiding eye contact with Alex. He was clearly holding a grudge from not having been told about her surgery.

"She's in surgery," Alex said. "The doctor knows I'm in here and said she'd come get me when she goes into recovery. It's not a very long procedure."

"What's she having done, anyway?"

"Elliot, that's her business, and if she wanted to share it with you, she would have. So please respect her privacy," Alex said firmly.

"I'm just worried, that's all," he said.

"We figured out who the girl is," Munch said, clearing his throat. "Her name is Safa al-Masri, and she's from rural Yemen, near Sana'a. Her father is a diplomat and works at the UN. According to her Yemeni passport, her birthday is August 13, 1999, and she arrived in the country in December, 2008 on a dependent visa. There's no record of her ever having been enrolled in public or private school in the city, but the Arab League delegation does have tutors and teachers on staff."

"She's not even 12," Alex gasped. "Where's the mother?"

"We haven't been able to find that out yet. We're trying to get a copy of her birth certificate, but if she was born out in the middle of nowhere, she might not have one," Elliot said. "But there's no record of a spousal visa ever having been issued for Mr. al-Masri."

Alex felt Safa shake behind her, and noticed that the interpreter was looking right at her. He said nothing, and his expression was neutral, but Alex couldn't help but feel like Safa felt threatened by him.

"You couldn't find a woman to interpret?" she asked, holding Safa's hand tightly. "If the acid attack and the abuse are related, she's not going to talk to him about it. She freaked out earlier when the male nurse came near her, and she wasn't cowering in fear like this until you guys came into the room."

"Most of the Arabic-speaking interpreters on the NYPD's payroll are on the anti-terrorism taskforce. There was only one woman on the list, from Morocco, and she's on vacation for the next month. And we were told that there are too many differences between Moroccan dialect and Yemeni dialect to be able to get an accurate interpretation. Mr. Assad is Yemeni, so they should be able to understand each other," Munch explained.

Alex shrugged and turned to Safa. "They're just going to ask you some questions about what happened this morning, okay? You're safe here; nobody's going to hurt you."

The interpreter spoke, and Safa's eyes widened, and she nodded.

"Can you tell us where you were going when you were attacked?" Munch asked, keeping his voice soft and even.

Safa nodded, keeping her eyes lowered, and began to speak, barely audibly.

"She says she knows she's not supposed to leave the house by herself, but there's a woman in the bakery near her house who gives her warm cookies sometimes. She was walking back home when she was attacked on the sidewalk. She doesn't know who did it."

"Did they say anything?"

Safa spoke again, tears filling her eyes. "They said, 'American whore.'"

"You didn't recognize them? You don't know if you've seen them before? Were they young, or old?"

"Maybe in the neighborhood. I don't know. Not too old."

"Can you tell us about your family? Where's your mother?"

"My mother died in childbirth when I was 8, and the baby died too. My father had already taken a second wife, and she made me do all the chores and take care of her baby. My two older brothers got married and left the house, and she wanted to throw me out, but my father wouldn't let her. Mr. al-Masri was a nice man who adopted me and told my father he'd take me to America."

Alex watched Safa's expression carefully, recognizing signs of… what? pain? shame? in the girl's eyes.

"And what can you tell us about the baby?" Munch asked.

"I didn't know there was a baby until today, but it is a gift from Allah," Safa said. "How did it get there?"

"Okay, that's enough," Alex said. "If she's sheltered and uneducated, I doubt she knows how she got pregnant, which means any questions we ask her from this point on will open us up to being accused of 'coaching' her."

Elliot escorted the interpreter out of the room to thank him, and Alex put her hand on Safa's back, rubbing gently as Safa's breathing slowed.

"I don't think he was being fully honest about the interpretation," Alex said as Elliot walked back into the room. "Did you see how he was looking at her? She was intimidated. And she's still shaking."

"Maybe she was scared because she was thinking about the attack," Munch proposed.

Alex picked up her phone and pulled up an article on the browser. "I don't think Mr. al-Masri 'adopted' Safa," she said, showing them the _New York Times_ report on the custom of child marriages in rural Yemen. "I think he married her."

* * *

**Please review!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimers: I own nothing.**

Dr. Logan stuck her head into the room a little while later. "Ms. Cabot? Detective Benson is up in recovery now. I can bring you up, if you like."

Alex picked up her purse and took out a few more chocolates, which she folded into Safa's hand, winking. "We'll come back and visit soon, okay?"

She followed Dr. Logan out of the room, and stopped when she realized Elliot was following them as well. "Thanks, Detective. Since this will be Casey's case, I suggest you have her look into Mr. al-Masri's personal life, and see if you can't find a female translator who may be able to help us. If not, I know one of our interns is taking Arabic and may be able to help us find someone. I'll let you know."

Elliot cleared his throat. "Yeah, I just wanted to see how Liv's doing…"

"I'll make sure to call you as soon as she's ready for visitors, then," Alex said coolly, smiling until he looked away, accepting defeat. "Probably in a few days, once we're home. Good luck on the case."

"How did it go?" she asked the doctor once they arrived in the recovery room, where Olivia was still sedated.

"Everything went according to plan. We were able to do the surgery laproscopically, so she has a very small incision in her lower abdomen that she'll have to avoid getting wet for a few days. I'm going to recommend she take the next four weeks off and avoid strenuous activity, and then I'll evaluate her to see if she can go back to active duty. As long as she comes off the anesthesia okay and is up and walking in the next few hours, I'll probably send her home tomorrow. The test results will probably take until next Tuesday, since they got to the lab late today, but I still have no reason to suspect cancer."

"Thank you, Dr. Logan," Alex said. "How long until she wakes up, do you think?"

"Shouldn't be long. Maybe 15 minutes? And before she asks, no, she can't have any coffee until she can keep down some solids."

Alex laughed. "I'll tell her."

After the doctor left the room, Alex slid into the chair next to Olivia's hospital bed and took her hand, intertwining their fingers. "Hey, Liv, you can wake up now," she said softly, running her thumb over Olivia's hand.

"Am I in heaven?" Olivia murmured, her eyelids fluttering. "There's a bright light and I have my own angel."

Alex blushed and reached over to dim the light above Olivia's bed, then leaned over to kiss her forehead. "Hey, sweetie, how are you feeling?"

Olivia sighed happily. "Had a really nice dream. I was at the beach with my beautiful wife, and we were kissing, and then she brought me coffee…"

_Wife? _Alex thought, smiling to herself as her heart skipped a beat. They hadn't talked about getting married other than deciding they wanted to wait until it was legal in New York, which it still wasn't. Although the legislature had agreed to vote again before the end of the term, so maybe…

"Does she know about me? I'll kick her ass. I'll put her in jail. I'll sue," Alex said, touching Olivia's face.

Olivia brought Alex's hand to her lips and kissed it. "If I'm in heaven, how come none of that is happening yet?" she asked, opening one eye.

Alex chuckled and leaned in for a soft, gentle kiss. "I love you," Alex whispered. "But I can't bring you coffee. The doctor said you have to be able to eat first. And you can't do that until you can keep fluids down and walk. Then I will bring you whatever you want."

"This is cruel and unusual," Olivia whined.

"I know, babe. We'll get through it together," Alex promised, smiling as she kissed her again. "How are you feeling?"

"Great. Mostly 'cause I'm not feeling much of anything just yet. How's Safa? Did you go back to sit with her?"

Alex sat on the side of Olivia's bed and filled her in on the case and on Elliot's antics.

"God, he's so nosy," Olivia complained, rolling her head back. "That's why I didn't tell him in the first place. This is way too personal to get into at work."

Alex snorted. "Well, you'll be happy to know I sent him off with no information. He wasn't happy, but he left. I told him we'd call when you're ready for visitors."

"I don't think this is the kind of surgery that warrants 'visitors'," Olivia said. "It's not like open heart surgery. I'm going to be home in less than a day. If he hadn't seen us here, I could've told him I'd had the flu and he wouldn't have known the difference."

"You don't have to tell him anything if you don't want to. You don't even have to call him. I'll screen your calls."

"I don't know why he thinks this is any of his business. I think he imagines that I used to need him more, before we were together, but that's not really true. We've never had that kind of relationship, but for some reason, now he seems to think we did. He tried to pull this shit when you were in the hospital, too."

"What shit?"

"He kept calling and trying to visit and 'be supportive.' I told him in no uncertain terms that we needed to be left alone, and he acted all butthurt that I wasn't letting him 'be there for me.' Munch tried to set up straight, but he still blames you, I think."

"That would explain the showdown earlier, then. I'm sorry, Liv, I didn't know. I would've kicked his ass."

"I know," Olivia said, smiling ruefully. "But you weren't in any shape to be kicking anyone's ass. I just wanted to protect you from that. Protect us. That's why I didn't tell him anything about the adoption agencies or Noah or the surgery."

"I only told Liz about the surgery when I asked for the days off."

"Yeah, but Liz, your brother… they actually _are_ supportive for these kinds of things. They ask what we need, and if we say, 'Leave us alone,' they do. Elliot was trying to make it about him and how I didn't need him. He doesn't seem to get that if he could respect boundaries, I might talk to him more."

"Okay, well let's not get upset about it," Alex said gently, kissing her forehead. "I don't think we have to worry about him again tonight, anyway, since you're registered as private. Do you want to try some water?" she asked, holding out the cup with a straw.

Olivia took a few sips and the doctor came back. "Ready to go to your room, Detective?" she asked.

Olivia swallowed. "I'm ready. Is Safa going to have to stay overnight? Would you be able to put me in her room?"

"Your insurance covers a private room."

"I know, but she was pretty terrified, and she seems to trust me. That way, if she gets scared at night, she won't be alone."

"If you're sure," Dr. Logan said, looking at Alex, who shrugged. "You may not get a lot of rest."

"I'm sure," Olivia said. "I doubt I'll sleep much here anyway. I'll sleep tomorrow when we go home."

Alex and a nurse supported Olivia on either side as she got down off the bed and into a wheelchair, clutching a pillow to her abdomen.

"Okay, I'm starting to feel it now," she said lightly, grimacing.

"Alright, let's get you back into bed, then," Alex said, wheeling her into Safa's room and over to the empty bed. "Hi sweetie," she said, waving at the young girl, who had resumed her curled up position in the far corner of her bed. "Look who I brought back to stay with you."

Olivia smiled and waved, and Safa lifted her head up slightly, sniffling, and her face stained with tears.

"What happened?" Olivia asked the nurse.

"Shift change," the nurse explained. "Nobody told me she wasn't supposed to have a male nurse. He came in to try to get a urine sample with a catheter, she flipped out when he lifted up her gown, another nurse came in to hold her down, and then they couldn't do it anyway because she's all closed up. So we still don't have our sample."

"_That's_ how you treat a frightened little girl? If she were my daughter, I'd sue," Alex said coldly. "No wonder she's upset. She's supposed to be safe here."

The nurse shrugged. "How were we supposed to know? Nobody told us, and the doctor was in surgery."

"Read her chart?" Olivia suggested. "Or just use common sense and _not_ try to restrain a 12-year-old girl?"

The nurse shrugged again. "Nobody told us."

"Right. It's not your fault," Alex said, rolling her eyes. "Does she have some water so she'll have to go? Why don't you bring her a cup, and we'll make sure she drinks and then goes in the cup for you when she has to."

"I can't wait all day," the nurse said, leaving the room.

"Then bring us a big pitcher of water!" Alex called after her.

Olivia smiled as Alex grabbed a cloth and ran it under some warm water in the bathroom, then brought it over to Safa's bed and held it out. Safa, still shaking, looked up from her folded arms, and Alex reached out and wiped her forehead and then the tears off of her face, carefully avoiding the bandages, and then reached up and adjusted the disheveled makeshift scarf.

"Do you want to come over to sit near us?" Olivia asked gently, pointing to the chair next to her bed.

Safa looked up at Alex, who nodded and put a hand on her back, holding together the hospital gown as she slid out of bed and padded over to Olivia. She hesitated, and Olivia pat the left side of the bed, furthest from the door.

"Lex, will you help me scoot over that way so she can come sit next to me?" Olivia asked, trying to drag her legs closer to the side of the bed in the center of the room.

Alex helped her scoot, and then grabbed Safa's blanket from her own bed and wrapped it around her, until they were both tucked in, just as the nurse came back with a pitcher of ice water, a drinking cup, and a cup for the urine sample.

"She's not supposed to be out of bed," the nurse said sharply, putting the drinks down on the table next to Safa's bed.

"We're just trying to calm her down after whatever it was your people did to her. She's got a burn on her face, but her feet still work. She'll be fine with us, and we'll call if there's a problem."

Alex went over to get the pitcher and poured two glasses of water. "Alright, let's see who will be the first to pee," she said, sticking a straw in each.

They both began drinking their water, and Alex brought out a deck of cards. "How about Memory?" she suggested to Olivia. "I think we could teach her to play."

Once she understood the rules of the game, Safa began beating them both, and giggling, as Alex kept filling her glass of water and encouraging her to drink.

"I was letting her win at first, but I swear I'm not anymore," Olivia said as Safa cleaned house on the fifth game in a row.

"It's her young brain. More elastic," Alex said.

"Are you calling me old, Lex?"

"If the shoe fits," she replied, smirking.

She began to shuffle again as Safa got up and headed towards the bathroom, and Alex grabbed the cup for the urine sample and followed her.

Before Safa could sit, she opened the cup and mimed squatting over it, and held it out for the girl to take, pointing to the toilet. Safa took the cup tentatively with one hand and held onto the handle next to the toilet with the other, as Alex turned to leave.

She had just touched the door handle when she heard a small voice whimpering. "Alesk?"

Alex turned back around and saw the girl perched unsteadily on the toilet, her legs barely apart, wobbling until she dropped the cup trying to get it between her legs.

Alex sighed internally as she picked up the cup and pulled up her sleeve, and, checking quickly to make sure there were no open cuts on her hand, she squatted down in front of Safa and pulled the hospital gown up a bit. She tried to nudge the girl's legs a bit further apart, but Safa whimpered in pain, and when Alex pulled the gown up further, it was all she could do not to vomit. The area between Safa's legs was completely smooth and the skin taut, except for a long, jagged scar that ran from just above where her clitoris should have been down to a very small opening towards the back, where urine dripped out.

She put a hand on Alex's shoulder to steady herself, biting her lip and wincing as the container filled up slowly.

"Hey, it's okay," Alex soothed, looking up and trying not to stare as soon as she had placed the cup. Safa looked away in embarrassment. "Just us girls, right? Take your time."

When Safa finished, Alex pulled away slowly and placed the sealed cup on the counter, then washed her hands and held the door open for the girl to follow her out.

"We can now add Pee Cup Holder to my SVU resumé," Alex said, smiling, as she sat back down in her chair next to the bed. "That's something I didn't anticipate when I applied to law school."

Olivia chuckled. "And technically you're not even on the job. You were doing that out of the kindness of your own heart. You've never had a kid have an accident on you?"

Alex shook her head and tried to keep her tone light and cheery so Safa wouldn't pick up on the horror she'd felt at seeing the scar. "She never would have been able to do that on her own. Liv, she could barely get her legs apart, and there's nothing - I mean, nothing - there, and she was in so much pain, just from peeing. What a cruel thing to do to a little girl. I can't imagine…"

She reached over to press the nurse button on Olivia's remote. "I'm going to tell the nurse that she's got her sample, and then do you want to try to get up to go for a walk?"

Olivia nodded. "Can you help me put my pyjama pants on, though, so I'm not walking around with my butt hanging out?"

Alex smiled and pulled them out of the bag. "Sure. Your butt is only for me." She helped Olivia to the edge of the bed and handed her the pillow from the chair to hold against her lower abdomen, and pulled the pants up to the edge of the bed, until Olivia grabbed onto the bedrail with her other hand and stood up, grimacing slightly. "How do you feel?"

"I've been better," Olivia grunted, as Alex wrapped an arm around her to hold her steady.

"We'll go slow," she said, pressing a kiss to Olivia's cheek. "Let me know if you need to stop to rest."

They walked slowly down towards the elevator and sat down on a bench to rest for a few minutes. "Lex, if this girl has to go into foster care…" Olivia began, once she had caught her breath.

"I know," Alex said. "There's no way the system is equipped to deal with a terrified, pregnant 11 year old who speaks no English."

"We'll never get her to talk to us, no matter how good our interpreter."

"Sarah takes Arabic. I'll ask her tomorrow if there's anyone in the department up at Columbia who could interpret for us. Even if it's not someone court certified, we can record it and get it corroborated later so we at least have some leads. Then if she _does_ end up in foster care, we'll have gotten the information before she's further traumatized."

Olivia tucked Alex's hair behind her ear and cupped her cheek. "Ask her tonight. I want you to go home tonight, Lex," she said gently.

"I'm going to stay here with you," Alex protested. "I'm not leaving."

Olivia shook her head and smiled. "You won't get a good night's sleep and you'll be exhausted tomorrow if you stay here with me, Alexandra," she whispered, caressing Alex's cheek. "Sleeping in an armchair will kill your back. And I'll need you at full strength to fend off Elliot in the morning."

Alex chuckled. "You think I need full strength for that? C'mon, Liv, you know better."

Olivia pulled Alex's head down onto her shoulder. "Stay until after dinner and come back first thing in the morning, preferably with good coffee. There's no reason for you to lose sleep tonight, too. I'll be fine."

"I'll miss you. I won't sleep well without you anyway."

"I'll be home tomorrow and we can cuddle all day," Olivia promised. "Please?"

Alex sighed in defeat and helped Olivia back up to walk back to the room. "Do you want to put your pyjama top on, too?"

Olivia nodded as she sat back down on the bed, next to Safa, who was still curled up. "I think I'll put on the bra, too."

Alex helped her get into her clothes, and Olivia stood up again to lean against her, pulling her into a hug and holding her for several long minutes. "Thank you," she whispered, tears catching in her throat. "For being here. I love you."

Alex held Olivia tight and kissed her gently, then rubbed a tear away with her thumb. "Of course I'm here, Liv. I'll always be here. I love you, too."

**Thanks for reading! Please review :-)**


	10. Chapter 10

**So, I apologize for my very long, unintentional hiatus. I ended up having actual work to do and being motivated to do something other than write fanfiction, so I took advantage. Hopefully I'll update Mistakes very soon!**

**Again, sorry for the wait :-)**

After making sure Olivia had eaten and getting her tucked into bed, Alex headed home.

"Hey," Sarah said as she dropped her purse on the table by the door. "I wasn't expecting you."

"Then I'm glad to see there are no wild parties," Alex said, smiling and hanging up her jacket. "Liv kicked me out with instructions to get actual sleep and to bring her good coffee in the morning."

"Everything went okay?"

Alex nodded and opened the refrigerator, selecting an open bottle of wine. "Yeah, everything's fine. She didn't get in until this afternoon because the ORs were backed up, but of course she used the wait to make friends with a pregnant little girl who speaks no English, who is now an SVU case."

"Little girl?"

"She'll be 12 in August," Alex said, pulling the takeout menus from the drawer in the kitchen. "Have you eaten? I'm going to order some takeout if you want something. Thai, I think, if that's okay."

Alex called to place the order and sat down on the couch to wait, and pulled out her laptop to scroll through the Netflix streaming list.

"You know, it's only your third day. You don't have to be bringing work home just yet," Alex said, noticing that Sarah was reading a law journal.

"Oh this? It's not for work. I just thought it looked interesting," Sarah said. "Casey was in court all morning so we were doing some research in the library for a bit." Her phone buzzed, and she looked at it and smiled before texting back.

Alex smiled. "Reading law journals for fun. I remember when I used to have time to do that. Now I can barely get through the ones I _have_ to read. Did anything interesting happen today?"

"Not really. This afternoon, Casey was going over something about DNA testing and the use of partial profiles. I asked Grant about law school and how he likes it, but he wasn't very chatty."

"He's seemed shy so far, but I think it's just getting used to a new job and new people. Speaking as someone who's been accused of being standoffish, I don't really think that's the case with him. He'll warm up. Or we'll get a case that gets to him and we'll see what he's really like then," Alex said.

The doorbell rang and Alex got up to get the food, and found Sarah texting again, a smile on her face, when she came back into the living room with the plates.

"What are you smiling about?" she asked, nodding towards the phone.

Sarah blushed and shook her head. "Nothing," she said. She reached for her plate, avoiding eye contact.

"Does 'Nothing?' have a name?"

"It's just one of my friends from school who's in the city this summer," she said, unconvincingly.

"Okay," Alex said, not buying her story. She eyed Sarah and waited for elaboration, but when none was forthcoming, she changed the subject. "By the way, do you happen to know anyone in the Arabic department at your school who would be able to translate for a Yemeni girl? A woman, preferably?"

"I can email my Arabic teacher and ask, but I'm not sure she's around this summer. I think she was going back to Tunisia for a few weeks. Why?"

"For this girl we met today. All the Arabic translators we have on the department list are men, and the one who came today freaked her out. If we're going to figure out who attacked her and how she got pregnant, we're going to need someone she's not afraid of to help us."

"I don't think any of the professors are from Yemen, but I can ask. She's pretty nice; I bet she'll get back to me even if she's not around. If I don't hear from her within a few days I can look at the summer course schedule to see who's teaching and email one of them."

"Thanks. Give her my phone number and ask her to call me or to pass it along to whoever might be interested, and I'll coordinate with Casey. We don't even have a statement from this girl yet, so there's not a whole lot we can do yet except figure out how to question her."

Sarah opened her laptop on the coffee table and reached over her plate to type up a quick email.

—

Olivia grimaced as she shifted in the bed, still in a bit of pain, and reached over to take her book off of the side table. She had teased Alex when she'd spent ten minutes arranging and rearranging all of her person effects so that everything would be in reach during the night, but now she was grateful that she didn't really have to move. She had tried to go to sleep, but the lights and noise from the hallway and the nearby nurses' station kept her awake.

The nurses had come in earlier to give Olivia the last of her pain medication for the night and to scold her again for letting Safa out of her own bed. Fortunately, the night nurses seemed more sympathetic, and had coaxed the girl without too much difficulty into getting into her own bed and taking a sleeping pill, then closed the curtains around her for privacy.

After rereading the same page three times, Olivia put down her book and leaned her head back on the pillow, touching her fingers lightly to the bandage on her abdomen as tears prickled in her eyes. Since scheduling the surgery, she had barely allowed herself to cry. Alex was afraid she had cancer, and she didn't want to worry her more. Maybe worrying about cancer was Alex's way of dealing with the outcome they still hadn't talked about since their weekend on the Vineyard: it was unlikely that they would ever have children.

Olivia had held Alex in her hospital bed and they had cried together for what seemed like forever after the doctor had told Alex that her likelihood of a successful pregnancy after a miscarriage that had ended in sepsis and near death was 'very small.' When she had finally stopped crying, Alex had pulled away and bit her lip like she was thinking, and then whispered, "Liv, I'm sorry… If you need to be with someone who can give you kids…" She hadn't finished her sentence when Olivia had looked furious, pulled her back into her arms abruptly, and said fiercely, "Don't you dare even finish that thought. I need _you._"

She wiped a tear from her eye and reached for her cell. _I'm bored,_ she texted to Alex. _I miss you._

_—_

Alex picked up her phone and chuckled. She'd been gone less than an hour. _I guess you shouldn't have made me leave, then. I'm just finishing dinner, then I'm going to watch the Daily Show and go to bed. Get some sleep, and I'll be there first thing in the morning. Sweet dreams. I love you._

Sarah closed her laptop after emailing her professor and put it back on the coffee table. "His name is Jake," she said, taking another bite of her dinner.

"Ah," Alex said as she raised an eyebrow. "'Just one of your friends' Jake?"

Sarah blushed. "He's doing an internship with Amnesty International. He asked me to go to dinner with him on Friday."

"Did you say yes?"

Sarah nodded.

"So you have a date. Congratulations. I'm happy for you," Alex said, smiling genuinely.

Sarah pushed her food around on her plate nervously. "I guess so. I mean, we went to coffee a few times this semester, and we studied for the political science final together. He was in my Politics of Human Rights class," she explained.

"And were those dates?"

"I… I don't know. Maybe?" She suddenly looked concerned and put her plate down, looking away from Alex. "I didn't realize this was a date," she said quietly.

Alex reached over to touch her arm. "Is that a problem? I mean, you like him, right? Does it matter what you call it?"

Sarah shrugged, and started closing up the takeout containers, then picked up their plates and brought them into the kitchen. Alex followed her, and leaned against the counter as Sarah busied herself by scraping and rinsing the dishes.

"Is something wrong?" Alex asked gently. "If you don't want it to be a date, you can tell him you just want to be friends."

"No, I _do_ like him; that's not it."

"Okay," Alex said. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Sarah shrugged. "I just… I haven't been on a date."

"Well, I've been on a few in my day. Usually you just go to a restaurant and try to talk about things you have in common or that interest both of you. Even better if you already know he's not going to talk about himself for 45 minutes straight or try to explain the importance of his corporate mergers using really small words so your female brain can understand," Alex smiled, then looked up to see that Sarah was in tears. "Hey, I was just teasing," she soothed.

Alex opened the freezer and pulled out a container of ice cream, and grabbed two spoons from the drawer.

"Isn't that Olivia's?" Sarah said when Alex handed her the ice cream and motioned for her to sit down at the counter.

Alex shrugged. "I can get her more tomorrow. But this seems more serious than a cup of tea, and I can't give you a scotch for another few months, so… talk to me," she offered, watching Sarah carefully.

"I just… do you think I have to tell him?" A tear rolled down Sarah's cheek as she spoke, barely audibly.

"About the rape?" Alex asked gently.

Sarah swallowed and nodded, avoiding eye contact by digging into the ice cream.

"I don't think that's necessarily first date material," Alex said. "You don't have to tell him anything you don't want to, but it might be a good idea to talk about it a little before the relationship gets too physical. This is just a first date, though, right?"

Sarah nodded again. "Yeah, but what if he wants to…"

"Hey, 'I'm not ready' is a perfectly acceptable answer if he wants to do something and you're not quite there yet. Doesn't matter what it is," Alex soothed. "You don't owe him an explanation, and if he's not a jerk, he'll want to make sure you're comfortable with everything you do together. And when he comes to pick you up on Friday, we can have Olivia answer the door with her badge and gun so he'll know to be on his best behavior."

Sarah snorted. "I don't think that will be necessary," she said. "How do I know when I'm ready?" she asked quietly, after a long pause.

"For sex?" Alex clarified. Sarah nodded, blushing. "Honey, you're the only one who can decide when you're ready. It's normal to be a little nervous, but you'll just have to pay attention to how you're feeling and make sure that it's not because you're afraid or because you don't trust him." Alex paused for a minute. "Sarah, did you talk about sex when you went to therapy?"

Sarah shook her head. "She… my therapist wanted me to, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't sure I was ever going to _be_ ready."

Alex nodded and tried to emulate Olivia's gentle smile as best she could. "That's normal, sweetheart. I think the survivors who have the toughest time are the ones who were hurt as teenagers, when they were just starting to figure out their sexuality."

"Great. That's reassuring," Sarah said bitterly, pushing the ice cream away. "I just want to be normal."

"I know," Alex said. "I remember feeling the same way." She put the cover back on the ice cream and put it in the freezer, then looked at Sarah, her face in her hands, elbows resting on the counter. "Maybe it would be good to make an appointment with someone who can help you work through your feelings, especially if your relationship starts to get a bit serious. I can get a recommendation for you if you want."

"My roommate's boyfriend came over almost every weekend, and some nights I crashed on the couch in my lounge because I couldn't even go back to my room. And the girl next door had a new guy like every other week. And here I am getting freaked out about one date, when I don't even know… I'm not even sure…"

Alex put her hand on Sarah's shoulder as she started to cry. "Hey, everyone's on a different timeline, okay? You can't compare yourself to what other people are doing. The only good reason for having sex is because *you* want it and the person you're with wants it. Any reasons that have to do with anyone else or involving the word 'should' aren't good reasons."

"I know," Sarah sniffled. "It just feels like everyone at school is having sex all the time and rubbing it in my face."

"It could take a while to be ready," Alex said softly. "Just be patient with yourself and honest about your feelings, okay?" She rubbed her hand across the top of Sarah's back. "I'm going to call it a night. I'll drop you off on my way to the hospital if you'll run into the coffee shop so I don't have to park the car. Leave at 7:30?"

Sarah nodded, face still in her hands.

"Don't stay up too late. And it'll be okay." Alex squeezed her shoulder and went to get ready for bed, closing the door to her bedroom and putting on the pyjamas she hardly ever wore.

She set her alarm and snuggled into Olivia's pillow, inhaling her scent, smiling as she saw images of their lovemaking from the night before. They had both realized they wouldn't be able to make love for a few weeks after Olivia's surgery, and they had spent hours gently exploring each other's bodies. The first time, Olivia had pulled Alex into her lap, and they faced each other, mouths and chests pressed together, clinging to each other. The second time, Alex had gently pushed Olivia onto her back, straddled her thigh, and pressed their bodies together. After they had cuddled, Alex moved on top of Olivia once again, whispering in her ear _'This one's just for you,'_ before kissing down her body and settling between her legs. They hardly got any sleep before it had been time to go to the hospital.

It had taken her a long time, and a lot of talking with Olivia in the dark, to overcome her insecurities and feel comfortable with her sexuality. She hadn't wanted to tell Sarah how long it had _really_ taken to feel good in her own skin after being raped, in spite of the fact that Olivia had been so gentle, so patient, and had always known exactly what to say. Sarah's potential boyfriend wouldn't have 12 years of experience with rape victims helping him to know what to do.

**Please review!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Thanks guys. I'm not sure why a random chapter from Mistakes posted instead of this one. Here's the correct chapter :-)**

Sarah was quiet the next morning, emerging from her room at the last minute and staying relatively silent in the car. Alex pulled up in front of Olivia's favorite coffee place by the courthouse and sent Sarah in to get coffee and donuts, handing her a list and two twenties.

"You know what kind of coffee Grant likes?" Sarah asked, noticing that the list included orders for Casey and the other intern.

"I asked him on the first day," Alex said. "I pick up coffee for Casey occasionally, and for the SVU detectives, so I figured it'd be nice to know what you guys like, too. Besides, Olivia has a theory that you can tell a lot about someone from their coffee choices."

"And what does an almond latte say about him?"

"I don't know; I haven't asked her yet." Alex saw a parking space and pulled in, realizing that Sarah was not going to be able to carry two trays of coffee and a bag of pastries out by herself.

Sarah yawned as they waited in line.

"Did you sleep okay last night?" Alex asked. "You didn't stay up too late, I hope."

Sarah shook her head. "I went to bed right after you did, but I couldn't fall asleep."

Alex nodded. "You had a lot on your mind."

Sarah took the coffee trays as Alex grabbed the bag of donuts and muffins off the counter, slipping the change into the tip jar. When they got into the car, Alex put her purse on the ground and looked sideways at Sarah before she put her keys in the ignition.

"You can talk to me about it if you want," Alex said. "Or Olivia. I didn't mean to imply last night that you couldn't, and if it's okay with you, I'll ask her if she has any good resources for you to look at. But a therapist can help you work through your feelings and figure out when you're ready for sex, which isn't something we can really help with, okay? Everyone's experience is different,, and mine - aside from being between me and Olivia - shouldn't color your healing process."

Sarah nodded, staring straight ahead, as Alex started the car.

—

When Alex arrived at the hospital, she put the coffee and donuts down on the side table and slipped into bed next to Olivia, who was still dozing, intertwining their fingers.

Olivia smiled as Alex pressed a gentle kiss to her temple and murmured something unintelligible.

"Shh, don't wake up," Alex whispered, inhaling smells of Olivia and hospital antiseptic, but Olivia opened her eyes and shifted in bed to look at Alex, wincing as she moved, and pressed their foreheads together and cupped Alex's cheek.

"Morning, beautiful," Olivia whispered, kissing Alex on the lips.

"Morning, love," Alex replied, smiling. "How did you sleep? I brought you coffee."

"I didn't. And thanks." Olivia smiled widely as Alex handed her the steaming cup, closing her eyes and moaning as she took the first sip.

Alex rolled her eyes and sipped her own latte.

"Safa woke up with nightmares," Olivia explained. "So I went over and sat with her for a while during the night. She went back to sleep maybe 3 hours ago. I wasn't sleeping anyway without you."

Alex leaned her head on Olivia's shoulder. "I didn't sleep much without you, either," she admitted. "It was lonely. Even the cat slept with Sarah. But I think she needed him more than I did." She briefly explained their conversation.

"That's rough," Olivia admitted. "I'll see if I can find something to help her."

They heard whimpering from behind the curtain, and Alex got up to pull it back, approaching carefully.

"Good morning, sweetie," she said gently, smiling as she made eye contact with the young girl, whose eyes were filled with tears again. She took a tissue from the table and brushed them away.

Alex reached for her purse and pulled out a lavender scarf, which she held out to Safa. "For you," she said, pulling off the makeshift hijab she had made the night before out of a hospital cloth. Safa smiled as Alex gently wrapped the scarf around her head and tucked in her hair, fastening it with safety pins she'd stuck in her pocket.

"Shukran," Safa whispered, leaning in to hug Alex.

Alex felt the girl stiffen in her arms as the door opened, and Munch and Elliot walked in with an older Middle Eastern man of about 60 and a nurse.

"We found Safa's father," Munch said to the nurse, barely acknowledging Alex. "He's here to take her home as soon as you give the okay."

Alex's stomach turned, and she pulled away from the girl, as Olivia made eye contact with Elliot and he shook his head imperceptibly.

The man started speaking rapidly in Arabic and Alex pulled away, understanding the game.

"I'm sorry," Alex said, standing up to shake his hand. "I'm just visiting here. She was trying to cover her head with this, so I gave her a scarf. It's a gift."

"Mr. Al-Masri, at this point, we're investigating the attack on Safa as part of a series of hate crimes against Muslim women and girls. We'll need you to bring her down to the precinct later this week for an interview with our departmental translator to see if she can remember details of her assailants and assist with the investigation. I assure you that we're taking this very seriously." Elliot said.

"Certainly," the man replied, fixing Safa with a stern look. "I'll make sure she doesn't wander off in the meantime so she'll be safe."

Alex forced a smile. "It was nice to meet you, sweetie," she said, looking back at Safa. "I hope you feel better soon." Her heart nearly broke as Safa reached out to grip her hand, a pleading look in her eyes, and she realized that her suspicious about Safa's 'adoption' were probably spot-on.

She loosened her hand from Safa's grip as the man scolded her again in Arabic and went over to sit in the chair next to Olivia. She could feel Olivia fuming, and rested her hand gently on her arm, calmly sipping her coffee while Safa slowly put on the scrubs the nurse had given her and stood, looking at the floor.

"I can't believe they just let her go home with him!" Olivia spat as soon as the door was closed behind them.

"I can," Alex said gently, rubbing her hand up and down Olivia's arm. "They had nothing to go on for the assault. No victim's statement, no DNA, no nothing. If Mr. Al-Masri thought we suspected him of raping his daughter, or even realized that three SVU detectives and a prosecutor knew she was pregnant and had been sexually abused, there's nothing stopping him from taking her out of the country. If we had CPS remove her now, with no investigation and no evidence, he'd sue, he'd win, and he'd disappear. The best thing we can do is pretend this is just an investigation into the acid attack. A judge can order him to present her for questioning, and since she's a victim, not a suspect, he has no right to be with her or watch the interview, so we can ask her about the abuse. _Then_, and only then, if she makes an allegation, we can remove her and protect her from him. It's our best shot at keeping her here and keeping her safe."

Olivia shook her head. "We're probably sending her home to be raped again."

Alex sighed and nodded in agreement. "I know."

The door swung open and Munch and Elliot returned, holding coffees from the hospital cafeteria.

"Hey, Liv, how are you holding up?" Munch asked. "Thanks for playing along earlier, Cabot."

"I'm fine. Doctor said she'd be by this morning to check my stitches and get me out of here. Then we have a long day of Netflix and napping on the couch ahead of us. Any leads?"

Elliot shook his head. "We checked out the bakery where Safa said she got cookies this morning. I would have gotten you something if I'd known you'd be in Safa's room, but Alex implied that she didn't want us to visit you, so Munch ate them all."

"Elliot, cut the passive-aggressive crap," Olivia said. "Me having surgery isn't about you, in case you didn't realize."

Elliot didn't respond.

"Anyway," Munch said, smiling at Olivia to break the tension. "Aside from amazingly delicious Middle Eastern pastries, we got a few delicious tidbits. The woman who runs the bakery told us that Safa comes in a few times a week, and that she was teaching her a few words in English and how to write in Arabic. Turns out that Safa's _not_ getting an education with Mr. Yemeni diplomat. She also said there's an older girl that Safa calls her sister, and Safa brings her cookies sometimes. Says the girls look nothing alike."

Alex nodded slowly. "I wonder if they're related at all. Polygamy is common in Yemen, especially among upper classes."

"We're going to check that out today," Elliot said. "And try to track down the adoption papers for Safa to see what they really say."

"OK, well, we don't want to interfere with your cuddling agenda, so we better get back to work on finding an interpreter so we can get this guy. I hope you have a speedy recovery so you'll come back and do my DD-5s soon." Munch grinned.

"Thanks, John," Olivia smiled. "See you guys later."

Munch turned to leave, but Elliot stayed rooted in place as the doctor came in, holding her clipboard.

"Detective Benson," she said warmly. "Good morning. I'm just going to check out your incision, and if everything's good, we'll get you out of here as quick as we can."

"Oh, then we can stay for a minute and help Alex get Liv home," Elliot suggested, not moving.

"Thanks, Elliot, but I've got it," Alex said, staring him down again.

Munch looked from Alex to Olivia and chuckled. "C'mon, Stabler. You don't want to get on Cabot's bad side."

"I think I already am," he muttered, backing down to leave. "Bye, Liv. Let me know if you need anything. But I guess Alex has got everything covered."

Alex rolled her eyes at Olivia and squeezed her hand. "Sorry sweetie. I'm sure he'll get over himself soon."

"I hope so," Olivia replied.

Dr. Logan pulled down Olivia's pyjama pants slightly and peeled away the bandages over the incision, then pressed her abdomen gently. Olivia grimaced.

"Everything looks good," she said, replacing the pants. "If you're in pain, I can give you some Tylenol with codeine or some vicodin for the next few days, but otherwise, ibuprofen should take the edge off just fine."

"I'll stick to the ibuprofen," Olivia said. "I don't like being out of it."

Dr. Logan nodded. "Just be careful for the next few days so you don't pull your stitches, and avoid getting the incision wet for the next three days or so. After that, you should be off work for at least the next two weeks, and then we'll put you on desk duty until you're back 100%. You'll have to avoid strenuous activity for at least the next month. That includes no sex."

"Yeah, we got that," Olivia said, enjoying the disappointed look Alex was giving her over the doctor's shoulder.

"There were no complications and there shouldn't be any polyps left, but even if the test results come back clean, I'd still like to do another exam in eight weeks to make sure they haven't grown back, and then follow up appointments every six months or so."

Alex nodded. "How likely is it that they'll grow back? And what happens if they do?"

"I'm fairly confident that we got everything, so it's unlikely that they'll grow back. If they do, our course of action will depend on how fast they grow and what they look like. Hormone changes due to menopause would slow their growth, so we may take a wait-and-see approach, we may opt to remove them again, or we may consider a hysterectomy at that point. But for now, I'll stress that these are all pure hypotheticals."

"See, Lex? Nothing for you to worry about yet. You wait until we have evidence, and let me deal with the hypotheticals and suppositions," Olivia said, smiling wryly.

Dr. Logan laughed. "Alright, Detective, I don't want to keep you here any longer than I have to, or worry you more than I need to, so I'll give you a call on Monday or Tuesday, as soon as I have the test results, and let you know. In the meantime, I'll have a nurse get you a wheelchair, because you're free to go."

—

When they reached the apartment, Alex helped Olivia to the bathroom and then to bed to take a nap. Alex changed into a silk nightgown and slipped under the covers beside her, pulling Olivia into her arms.

"How are you feeling, really?" she whispered, caressing her face and arms gently.

Olivia kissed her and smiled. "Aside from the fact that I can't make love to my girlfriend for a month? I'm fine, Alexandra." She pushed aside a lock of hair. "Stop worrying about me, and just cuddle with me."

"I remember what it felt like, Liv. Being told that we - that I - couldn't have kids."

Olivia held Alex close. "I know, babe. And I can't stop thinking about that little girl, and how unfair it is to her that she's pregnant at 11, and we can't be." She sniffled, and before long, she and Alex were holding each other and crying again until they fell asleep.

When she awoke, Alex was still wrapped up in her arms, reading. She kissed the back of Alex's neck.

"Hey," she said. "What are you reading?"

Alex turned around in Olivia's arms to show her a pink bound book. "My mother's diary from high school."

"You decided to read them?"

Alex nodded. "I put them in order a while ago. I wasn't sure if I was comfortable reading them, but she… couldn't have more kids after me, and I know she had a few miscarriages. That's part of why she was pressuring me to get married and have kids right after law school, so it wouldn't be too late. I want to know how she felt about it."

Olivia nodded. "Anything juicy so far?"

"This is the first one. So far, she hates her math teacher and is very concerned about my grandmother letting her buy a dress for homecoming, because she was sure she was going to be elected homecoming queen."

"Sounds fascinating." Olivia said. She extracted herself from Alex's arms and went to the walk-in closet, where they had a small bookcase, and pulled out a few titles on rape, healing, and sexuality, which she brought back to bed and began to flip through. She grabbed the post-it flags Alex kept handy for reading law journals and bookmarked a couple of passages.

"I don't think we wrote in those, but just make sure if you're going to give them to Sarah," Alex said, noticing the titles.

Olivia nodded and took a piece of paper from the bedside table to write a note. "That's what I'm doing. I'm just going to leave them on her bed, and if she wants to talk, she can come to one of us."

_Sarah - _

_Thought you might want to look at these. I flagged a few things that I think might be helpful,. _

_It may take a while to feel ready, and that's completely normal. In the meantime, you might also consider exploring your sexuality and your body by yourself before you do so with a partner. Try watching some porn or reading erotica. Fantasize. These are all healthy ways to see what makes you feel good, and what might make you feel uncomfortable. I know you probably don't have a lot of privacy to do these things at school, but you have plenty of privacy here._

_The most important thing to remember is that sex is supposed to feel good physically and emotionally. For that to happen, you have to feel safe enough with your partner to communicate and to allow yourself to be vulnerable, which can be hard even for someone who hasn't been assaulted. If something doesn't feel right for one of you, don't do it. And of course, it goes without saying that you always need to make sure you have each other's consent for everything you do._

_Alex and I are both here for you if you want to talk._

_xoxo, Liv_

She put the books and the note on Sarah's bed and went back to curl up with Alex.

"Mmm, you feel good," Alex murmured, taking Olivia's arm and wrapping it around herself. "That was a long note."

Olivia kissed Alex's temple. "I told her to watch porn and masturbate to get ready for having sex."

Alex giggled. "You didn't!"

Olivia nodded. "I did. I left out the part about the great shower head in her bathroom, though. Wouldn't want to totally embarrass her. Besides, that's why I wrote the note instead of talking to her directly. This way, she can opt to be embarrassed in private if she doesn't want to talk to us about it."

Olivia intertwined their fingers and rested their hands on Alex's stomach.

"Lex, can I ask you a personal question?" Olivia said softly.

Alex swallowed and nodded slowly.

"Do you? Read erotica and masturbate, I mean? Have you, since…"

Alex blushed and shook her head vigorously. "No, not since… I think they're still both triggers. And with you… I haven't needed to. It would be a little ridiculous if I needed to do that, too, wouldn't it?" She turned around to face Olivia. "Do you?"

She stroked Alex's cheek and kissed her. "I have, occasionally, indulged," Olivia said, blushing, but keeping her eyes on Alex. "When I've had a day off while you're at work and I can't get you off my mind. When you were sick and recovering and I needed some stress relief. It's a perfectly normal thing to do, Lex, even if you have more sex than you know what to do with."

Alex laughed.

"It's none of my business one way or the other, really. Your body belongs to you, and the fact that you share it with me is a privilege, but I certainly don't have exclusive rights." Olivia paused. "Can I ask why you've never worked on those triggers?"

Alex shrugged and shifted uncomfortably. "I tried, a few times, at the beginning. But when we did something together and I had a flashback, you were there to make it better, and when I… I couldn't relax enough, and I was afraid someone would walk in like Robert, or that you would be jealous…"

"Hey," Olivia kissed Alex again. "I understand the fear part, but I promise I would _never_ invade your privacy or get upset about something like that. People enjoy erotica, or fantasize, or masturbate for different reasons than they have sex, and as long as _we_ are solid and not doing it to avoid each other I want you to do whatever makes you feel good. Especially since I'm not going to be able to for the next few weeks. Both of us don't have to suffer." She pulled Alex's head into the crook of her neck and held her there. "And as long as you're not thinking about anyone other than me," she said wryly.

"Never," Alex said.

**Please review!**


	12. Chapter 12

Olivia was roused from her nap on the couch when she heard Alex's key in the door on Friday evening. She picked up the book that was open on her chest and placed it on the coffee table, and started to push herself upright when Alex came over and sat down on the edge of the couch to to kiss her.

"How was your day, sweetie?" Olivia asked. "No appointment today?"

Alex shook her head. "Work was fine. Just an arraignment and some paperwork. I canceled my appointment for this week because of the surgery. Besides, Sarah's going on her date tonight and I wanted to be here when she was getting ready. I let her out early to get her nails done, but she should be home soon."

Olivia smiled. "After she goes out, I thought we'd have our own little date here. I went out and got some wine, and I was going to set the table before I dozed off. I thought we could order out from that Italian place and watch a movie on Netflix after dinner. What do you think?"

"Sounds good to me. Let me get changed and I'll set the table. You shouldn't be exerting yourself so soon, Liv."

"Walking to the bodega was hardly 'exerting myself', and the doctor said I should get exercise."

Alex shook her head and went to put her briefcase in the office and change into jeans and a t-shirt. Olivia hurried to the dining room, wincing slightly as she reached up in the china cabinet for two of the good plates, and laid everything out on the table. She took the bouquet of flowers she'd bought in the crook of her elbow and poured two glasses of wine, and met Alex in the bedroom.

"Thank you. What's the occasion?" Alex asked as Olivia handed her the flowers and wrapped her arms around her from behind.

Olivia kissed her neck. "No occasion. Just because."

Alex turned around in Olivia's arms and rested her head on her shoulder. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you, too." Olivia kissed her forehead and held her tight. "Sorry, I'm just feeling a bit clingy today. I missed you."

"Don't apologize. You can be as clingy as you want starting now." Alex lifted her head when they heard Sarah's key in the door. "I'm going to see what time he's picking her up and if she's picked out something to wear. She was a bit jittery all day."

"I have to see if I can get my duty belt on. It might cut into my incision."

"Liv, I was just kidding about answering the door with your badge and gun."

Olivia smiled. "I know. But it's not like we'll have our own teenage daughter to embarrass someday when she goes on dates. So I think we should take full advantage."

"Fair enough, but I'm warning her."

Alex kissed Olivia on the cheek and went to knock on Sarah's door, and entered when she heard a muffled 'come in.' Sarah was standing in front of the closet, hands on her hips, looking annoyed. Alex surveyed the clothes she had pulled out and strewn over the bed and the chair.

"I have nothing to wear," she complained, plopping down on the edge of the bed.

Alex sat down next to her, covering her mouth with her hand to keep from laughing at the mess Sarah had made in less than five minutes. "I'm sure we can find something. Do you know where he's taking you?"

Sarah shook her head. "He just said dinner."

"Okay. So something not too fancy, but not too casual either. Are you thinking pants or a skirt?"

"It's warm out, so skirt."

Alex picked up two dresses off the bed. "Which one do you like better?" she asked, holding up one in each hand.

"I don't think I want to wear either of those…"

"Just tell me which one you like better. You don't have to wear one of these."

Sarah pointed to one of the dresses, and Alex hung the other one back up in the closet and picked up another dress off the bed. "Now which one do you like better?"

Sarah pointed again. "What are we doing?"

"We're picking out a dress. You're going to keep telling me which one you prefer until there are only two left, and then you can pick your favorite and wear that."

A few minutes later, Sarah had narrowed it down to two dresses. "I like this one better," she said, taking a black sleeveless dress off the hanger. "But is it too low-cut? I don't want him to get the wrong idea…"

"Sarah, you've worked at SVU for a whole week and you've been around Olivia and I a lot longer than that. You know by now that wearing a low-cut dress or a short skirt is not code for 'I want to sleep with you now.' You should wear what makes you feel good and what makes you comfortable."

Sarah nodded. "I'll try it on and see how I feel."

"What about hair? Do you want me to get the curling iron?" Alex left to get it and a handful of bobby pins from the master bathroom, and knocked on the door to get back into Sarah's room.

Sarah sat in front of the mirror as Alex helped her put her hair up into a twist and make some curls.

"My mom would never do this," she said quietly. "Or, no, she would, for about five minutes until my dad decided he needed something."

"I'm sorry," Alex said. "Your mom's missing out." She released the last curl from the curling iron. "There. What do you think?"

"Thank you," Sarah said, smiling shyly at her through the mirror. "I really like it."

"This Jake isn't going to know what hit him," Alex said, tucking one of Sarah's curls behind her ear. "Remember, stay out as late as you want, invite him in if you want. Olivia and I can make ourselves scarce if you want to bring him back. Just let us know when you expect to be home so we're not worried about you, okay?"

Sarah nodded. "I doubt I'll be inviting him in on a first date, so…"

"I'm telling you for this time and for future times, too. You're an adult, I'm not your mother, and I don't expect you to ask permission for anything. Just stay safe, and don't pressure yourself or be pressured into doing anything before you're ready."

A few minutes later, the intercom rang, and Olivia buzzed him up and attached her belt. She looked through the peephole at a young man rolling nervously on the balls of his feet.

"You must be Jake," she said as she opened the door. She looked him up and down conspicuously before stepping aside to let him into the apartment. _Khakis, blazer, tie, flowers. At least he cleans up nice._

"Hello, uh, Ma'am," Jake sputtered, his eyes stopping on Olivia's gun. "I'm Jake Monaghan. Pleased to meet you."

"Sarah's talked a lot about you," Olivia said, holding out her hand to shake. "I'm Olivia, and this is Alex," she pointed to Alex, who had entered the room. They shook hands.

"Alex Cabot. It's a pleasure," Alex said. "Liv, go easy on him. I'll tell Sarah he's here. She should be ready any minute now."

Alex went to knock on Sarah's door. "Hey, he's here," she said. "You ready?"

Sarah was sitting on the edge of her bed, hands in her lap. "I think so."

"You better go out there, then. He's nervous too, and I don't think Liv's helping." She put her arm around Sarah's shoulders and pressed a kiss to Sarah's temple. "Be safe. And just have fun, okay? And let us know when you get home."

Olivia closed the door behind them and unbuckled her belt, wincing.

"Does that hurt?" Alex asked brushing her fingers against Olivia's abdomen. "You really shouldn't have put it on."

"It was worth it," Olivia said. "I subtly made him aware that she lives with a cop and an ADA and that he'd better be on his best behavior."

Alex took Sarah's flowers and began cutting off the ends of the stems and putting them into a vase. "And don't think I didn't notice that you set the table after I told you I would do it. You shouldn't exert yourself, love. The more you follow the doctor's orders, the sooner you'll be back in full working order." She winked.

"An excellent point," Olivia said. "That's definitely a good incentive."

She answered the door and paid for the food, and poured more wine for both of them, then pulled out Alex's chair so she could sit down to eat. Alex told her about her day, the arraignment she'd had and the paperwork she'd done.

"I need to work on my opening for the Martin case this weekend. Jury selection is going to be on Tuesday," she said between mouthfuls. "Oh, and Sarah's Arabic professor wrote me back to tell me she could help with Safa's case, but she won't be back for another two weeks. She gave me the number for the department head in case we needed someone faster, so I called and the man who answered told me they were closed until the new summer term starts in two weeks and that he couldn't help me. So I called this woman back in Tunisia and set up an appointment with her as soon as she gets back."

"That's a long time if she's being sexually abused," Olivia commented.

Alex nodded. "I know, but unfortunately it's the best I can do. And then there's the whole issue of her not being court certified if we need this to go to trial… his lawyer would have to stipulate to her expertise, which he might not do if he knows Safa would be too intimidated to testify if a man was interpreting for her. I could argue in front of a judge, but I'm not sure I'd win or that it wouldn't get thrown out on appeal."

"And there's no woman who's already court certified who could do the interview?"

"Not until at least the end of the summer. I'd rather do this fast and get her out of there before she has that baby, even if it means not getting to trial right away. Besides, Sarah and I talked to this woman and I explained the details of the case, and at least it sounds like she can handle it. Do we really want somebody who's used to antiterrorism cases in SVU?"

Olivia shook her head. "No, that probably wouldn't work out so well. You're right."

"So, what exciting things did you do today, other than your trip to the bodega and the florist?"

Olivia shrugged. "I slept late. Then after my walk I watched some horrible daytime TV and took a nap. I read up on some old case files, and read about ten pages of my book before I dozed off again. Oh, and Elliot called half a dozen times."

Alex shook her head. "He really needs to get a grip. What did he want?"

"Nothing, really. Fishing for information, I think. I only answered the first time." She picked up their plates and headed towards the kitchen. "A few years ago, right before Sealview, we had this case. Stolen embryos from a cyrogenic bank, and we didn't recover them in time for them to still be viable. It was right after I had gotten rejected from adoption agencies the first time, but of course, Elliot didn't know that. He kept going on about why I never had kids and said some really hurtful things about technology and how he had all his kids the old-fashioned way. I called him out on it, but it made me less than eager to share information about us. So he's hurt that I'm not talking to him, but he probably doesn't even realize why that is."

"Oh, Liv," Alex said, wrapping her arms around Olivia. She pulled her towards the couch and brought Olivia down into her arms, rocking her as she began to cry.

"I really wanted to be a mom, Lex," Olivia whispered.

"I know, love. I'm sorry."

They cuddled for a long while, until Olivia turned in Alex's arms and began to kiss her, tears still wet on her face, and then buried her face in Alex's neck.

"Lex, how are we… what are we… what's going to happen now?" Olivia struggled to get it out, to make Alex understand.

Alex kissed the side of her head and ran her hands down Olivia's back. "Right now? We're going to hurt for a while. We're going to get angry when we have cases with kids and we think, 'Why them and not us?'. We're going to check in with each other and make sure we keep talking and giving each other as much love as we can, so we don't drift apart or turn bitter from trying to protect ourselves from the horrible things we see. And we're going to keep going to museums and the opera and the beach on the weekends so we have busy, full, meaningful lives without kids. That's what's going to happen now."

Olivia clung to Alex, still crying silently into her shoulder. "You have an out now, too, Lex," she whispered.

Alex immediately turned Olivia's head and looked straight into her eyes, before speaking very deliberately. "Why would I want an 'out' of the best thing that's ever happened to me?"

Olivia kissed her deeply and then pulled back to look into her eyes. "I need to feel you. Let me make love to you," she whispered.

"Liv, you can't…"

Olivia put a finger to her lips. "I can't, but you can. Believe me, this won't be strenuous for me."

She kissed Alex again, slowly, exploring her mouth with her tongue as she ran her fingers lightly up and down Alex's sides, gently brushing her breasts.

"Please?" she asked, slipping her fingers under the hem of Alex's shirt.

Alex nodded as her abdomen quivered, and she held on to Olivia's hands as Olivia undressed her, slowly, and began to kiss her whole body. She moved from breast to neck to shoulder to mouth, leaving no spot unloved.

After she was sure that Alex was ready, she pulled her to the edge of the couch and kneeled in front of her, waiting for permission to remove Alex's panties. Olivia allowed Alex to remove her own shirt and bra so they could cuddle immediately afterwards, and wrapped her arms around Alex's back before leaning in to kiss her again, slowly, on the mouth.

"I'd like to keep going after you come the first time," Olivia said softly, studying Alex's face for signs of hesitation. "Can I try to make you come more than once?"

Alex, still nervous about losing control or having a flashback, looked unsure. The only time she'd ever had multiple orgasms was during her rape. Olivia had never asked to try this before, even though she easily came more than once with Alex.

"Remember, you're in control. You can stop me at any time," Olivia reassured her.

Alex gave a slight nod and quivered again with pleasure as Olivia resumed kissing her, and amazingly, she felt her body relax completely, without a hint of fear at Olivia's suggestion. As usual, Olivia took her time, stroking and caressing Alex all over with her fingers and tongue. Alex closed her eyes and gripped Olivia's shoulders, locking her ankles around her back. She didn't know exactly when she had stopped being self-conscious when they made love, but she found that the more she was able to relax and trust Olivia to read her body, the more she enjoyed sex. And Olivia was true to her word and always did stop if Alex asked her to.

She opened her eyes and looked down, making eye contact with Olivia as she felt a knot tighten in her stomach. Olivia took her hand and smiled as Alex moaned and began to twitch. She felt a brief moment of panic when Olivia kept going after her first, gentle orgasm, licking and sucking and massaging her, until Olivia reached up and stroked her cheek, whispering "I love you" softly, just before Alex cried out from the strongest orgasm she'd ever had.

Olivia slowed her motions and kissed up her body, settling onto the couch and wrapping herself around Alex's still trembling body, and sought out her mouth to kiss.

"And that happens now,' Alex said quietly between kisses once she had regained her voice. "Lots of sex on the couch because there won't be anyone to interrupt us."

Olivia laughed. "As much as you want," she agreed. "But speaking of being interrupted, maybe we should shower off and get dressed before Sarah gets home and finds us here."

She pulled Alex up off the couch and held her hand as they walked into the master bath, where Alex gingerly removed Olivia's bandage and replaced it with a waterproof covering.

They showered and put on their pyjamas, agreeing to cuddle while reading in bed to give Sarah some privacy when she got home. The cat curled up on Olivia's legs as she read a magazine, and Alex leaned her head on Olivia's shoulder and flipped open her mom's journal.

After a while, the cat jumped off and ran out the door, and before long, they heard the front door click. Olivia looked at the clock on the nightstand. 12:45.

A few minutes later, there was a soft knock on the bedroom door. "I'm home," Sarah said softly. "No crime scene calls this time."

"Come in," Alex called, and Sarah opened the door slowly. They usually kept their bedroom door closed and never had anyone in their space, but they could make an exception this once. Alex patted the bed beside her. "Come tell us how it went. Did you have fun?"

Olivia smiled. "Looks like she had fun to me," she said, looking Sarah up and down. "Dilated pupils, swollen lips, flushed face… and the cat only gets up if it's one of us coming home, and he went to the door… 17 minutes ago."

Sarah blushed.

"Liv!" Alex admonished, smacking her arm. "Sorry, sweetheart. Did you have a good time?"

Sarah nodded and sat down where Alex patted the edge of the bed. "We went to this Moroccan restaurant and then we went to the Village to see this documentary about the lives of different women in Egypt, and then we got coffee and gelato for dessert afterwards."

"That sounds nice," Alex said.

Sarah smiled and looked off into space, a dreamy look in her eyes. "It was," she agreed. "He was very sweet. We mostly talked about our jobs. He just started because he went home to visit his family near DC for a couple of weeks after finals, since his sister just graduated from high school. I told him a bit about SVU and how I got the job, but don't worry, I didn't tell him anything specific about any of the cases."

"I didn't think you would," Alex said. "What did he think about that?"

"He thought it must be a hard job, and I told him that I hadn't seen much hard stuff yet since it's only my first week. I was kind of vague with the details of how I met you guys, though. I just said I met you when you used to live in Portland."

Alex nodded. "You can tell him the truth about me being your teacher out there. The witness protection thing isn't a secret; it was in the newspapers."

"I think he knew that there was more to the story, but he didn't ask. And part of the movie was an honor killing, and another part was a woman who was basically married off to someone she didn't know and raped on her wedding night, so… At least he said the right things when we talked about it after."

"We've had cases with both of those scenarios," Olivia said.

"He did believe me when I said those things were hardly limited to Egypt, and he was sufficiently horrified by the statistics I threw at him."

"He seemed like a gentleman to me. I put your flowers in a vase in your room. He brought you home and kissed you goodnight?"

Sarah blushed bright red. "He's actually subletting a place on 84th and Columbus, so we took a cab back here and he was going to walk the rest of the way. There may have been some kissing involved." She looked at her hands. "When he… he tried to push me up against the wall outside when he was kissing me."

Alex's eyes widened, understanding the significance, but she didn't ay anything.

"I thought I was going to panic, but I just shifted, and he let me move, and I asked him not to do that, and it was okay."

"So no flashback or anxiety?" Olivia asked.

Sarah shook her head. "It was okay. I was okay."

Alex reached out and squeezed her hand, then tucked a fallen curl behind her ear. "That's great, sweetheart. That's really good. You should still talk to someone, though."

Sarah nodded and got up to head towards the door. "I'll think about it. Thanks for helping me get ready tonight, Alex. I really… it meant a lot to me."

"My pleasure, sweetheart," Alex said. "I'm glad you had a good time. Sleep tight."

She smiled at Sarah and turned off the light, snuggling into Olivia, who kissed her again. A little while later, just before they drifted off to sleep, Olivia raised an eyebrow as she heard Sarah finally turn off the shower, which had seemingly taken longer than usual and had included at least one partially stifled moan. They giggled quietly, glad that Sarah was figuring things out, and fell asleep together.

**Please review! Let me know if you'd like to see more of the Sarah relationship subplot as we go. :-)**


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